


philophobia (is the fear of falling in love)

by rosesuho



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Angst, Drugs, Foster Care, High School, Jongin is a bitch, M/M, Minor Character Death, SeHo - Freeform, SeJun, Violence, hunho - Freeform, junmyeon - Freeform, major angst, sehun and suho are hella fruity, slight sluff, yixing what is u doing baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 09:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12056112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesuho/pseuds/rosesuho
Summary: there's no question that sehun and junmyeon are broken in their own ways.but while junmyeon can move on,sehun is left to break even more.





	philophobia (is the fear of falling in love)

**Author's Note:**

> hi readers! thank you for clicking on my story!
> 
> i just wanted to address this:
> 
> i wrote this many months ago with a different pairing. i recently quick-edited it to be a sehun/suho fic. so, with that being said, if there are any oddities with junmyeon's character or just in the text overall, that's why.
> 
> that's all. happy reading!

* * *

 

 

 **UNTIL THAT DAY,** fear had been an idea, or a concept. Now it was real—a feeling he would carry inside himself for the rest of his life.

That day began innocently enough with Junmyeon attending to the same routine as always. Once the long, painful school day was over, he’d make his way up to the roof of the school where he’d think his worries away.

But that day was different.

Because before that day, his father would only have one beer left. Before that day, his grades would be at their peak. Before that day, his teachers and peers would actually care for how he felt.

Before that day, Junmyeon had never met _the one._ The one who’d protect him from falling deep into a pit of hopelessness.

As Junmyeon made his way up the steep flights of stairs, he couldn’t help but contemplate just how slow the rest of the week would be.Then, his mind began to wander to home, where his dad would be crashed out on the couch. Junmyeon prayed that his father was having a good week so far, because a good week for him is a good week for Junmyeon.

As he opened the door to the roof of the school, the cool September air pushed against him, sending a chill down his spine. There was no other place he could think of to find solidarity and peace than the loneliness of the school’s roof.

He walked further out onto the surface as the wind bit against his cheeks. Junmyeon squinted at the brightness of the clear sky, seeing the familiar view he would stare at for hours on end. He dropped his backpack by the door, then walking out closer to the ledge.

He breathed deeply, taking in the fresh air. He was worried for what was waiting for him at home, but once the thoughts became more and more intense, he hold himself to relax. _Enjoy the peace you have now._

Junmyeon stepped over the ledge, positioning himself to where he was sitting on the cool cement. The height from the roof to the ground was high enough to at least paralyze him—but he knew better. Junmyeon had contemplated this before—just ending it all. But he hadn’t felt that way in a while, at least not since his mother abandoned him. Otherwise, his therapist had told him enough times for him to say it in his sleep— _things_ will _get better._

As Junmyeon continued to process the feelings and thoughts running through his mind, he was interrupted by the shutting of the door. Suddenly feeling uneasy, he froze in his place. He didn’t blink or even breathe for that matter. His mind went crazy, knowing that this person has now found Junmyeon’s one and only safe place.

Almost immediately, the person yelled after Junmyeon.

“Come down from there!” he shouted. Junmyeon turned around, worry evident upon his face. But as he saw the person who had shouted for him, he couldn’t help but freeze even more. The person—the _boy_ —had astonished Junmyeon in every way possible. His practically perfect appearance had caught Junmyeon by surprise. Not knowing how to react, Junmyeon stepped down from the ledge,quickly speeding towards the exit. He passed the boy on the way before grabbing his backpack. Wanting to get far away from the stranger, he slammed the door shut behind him, trying to figure out exactly why that guy had even been up there.

Junmyeon breathed deeply in attempts to catch his breath. He couldn’t help but feel just one thing as he reflected on the encounter he just had.

He couldn’t help but feel scared.

 

* * *

 

 **HE JUST WANTED TO SAY SORRY.** Junmyeon had searched every corner of the school to find the boy he had seen the day before, just to tell him that he was sorry. It took the entire day to figure out where he would eventually go after school. Junmyeon expected it to be just outside the front entrance of the school, where all the normal kids would go home together or be picked up by their parents. But, unfortunately, there was still no sign of the boy.

But as Junmyeon thought more and more about this guy, who was practically a stranger, he realized that it was pointless. He had spent every second of the day trying to figure out who he was exactly, and why Junmyeon had never seen his around school before.

After waiting around for at least a half hour, Junmyeon decided it best if he just gave up—at least for that day.

The sun had been shining just barely, which happened to lift Junmyeon’s spirits just slightly. The fact that today was his least favorite day— _therapy_ day—had automatically made him feel stressed. But the comfortable temperature and clear skies seemed to suddenly ridden the anxiousness he had been feeling.

Junmyeon walked the same sidewalk he would stroll down weekly, trying to filter the things going on in his mind and how he’d address those thoughts to his therapist. Normally, he’d be feeling hopeless, but today, he felt different. Rather than being hopeless, he felt hopeful—something he definitely never felt before.

He finally arrived at the plaza of office buildings, going straight into his designated office. _Pine View Wellness Center._

The wait was no longer than two minutes, as usual. Dr. Yeon would come out into the lobby to bring Junmyeon back into her office.

Then, they repeat the same conversation as the week before, along with the multiple weeks before that.

“How are you feeling today?” Dr. Yeon would ask first.

 _Fine,_ Junmyeon would normally say. Except today was different.

“Better.”

A pleasant look grew upon Dr. Yeon’ face. It wasn’t that often when Junmyeon _wouldn’t_ be feeling just _fine_ —even the words “alright” or “okay” would catch anyone by surprise. It was always just _fine._

“That’s great,” she commented. “What exactly has made you feel better?”

Junmyeon had a small smirk on his lips as he thought about the boy from the roof. “I just feel like things will start to repair themselves soon.”

Dr. Yeon nodded, crossing her legs beneath the desk. A silence grew within the small room, which was normal. This was nothing new to Junmyeon. It was the same routine every single week.

Next,she’d ask about his father.

“And your dad—are things with him any better?” She pursed her lips, knowing the answer wouldn’t be anything different.

“The same.” Junmyeon let out a deep sigh, staring at the carpet. He knew what she was going to say next.

“The _same_ is never the same, Junmyeon. Have you two talked at all?”

Junmyeon just shook his head. He hated talking about his father—it would just remind him of what he’d have to go home to just twenty minutes later. If today were a good day, there’d be leftover takeout or pizza left on the dining table, and there’d only be one or maybe two empty beer bottles in the recycling. But, the odds of that happening were slim. If today were a normal day, his dad would be passed out on the couch and the house would _still_ be a trashed mess. Junmyeon would have to tiptoe through the house to get to his room, but usually, the creaking of the poorly-built house would wake up his dad, sending the man into a fit of rage.

“Has he hurt you recently? Physically, I mean.” Dr. Yeon raised her eyebrows as an expression of sympathy.

Again, Junmyeon shook his head. “No. Not recently.”

A soft smile formed on the doctor’s face. As usual, Junmyeon couldn’t focus on the current therapy session, due to the worry running throughout his mind about going home. This was something he had to work on—not letting the anxiety get the best of him. He could have a wonderful day, but no matter what, it’d be ruined. Because at the end of the day, he’d always have to go home.

Which is exactly what he had to do just several minutes later. The walk of shame down the dark streets, back into the more empty and barren side of town. There were only a few neighborhoods around, meaning Junmyeon had been isolated from the heart of the city where all the action would happen.

Worrying his breaths away, Junmyeon made it to his house before the sun had completely set. The sky was now a pale gray as the moon began to shine brighter, along with the stars. It had been a beautiful night, Junmyeon had wished it were a weekend—then, he could fall asleep on the long grass in the backyard, being mesmerized by the constellations in the sky. That would be the perfect distraction.

Inside, his dad was, as usual, watching some basic action movie that would almost always be in the middle of a gunfight or car chase. A beer would be lying on the ground next to him, almost always empty, and the man would be sound asleep.

Junmyeon dropped his backpack near the door to his bedroom before throwing himself on the cool mattress. His muscles relaxed, feeling the comfort of being able to finally lie down. Although he was tired physically, mentally—he felt wide awake. This was normal, though—he’d always be distracted by the noisy movie going on in the living room, or the fear of just living in that damned house.

But, today was different.

It wasn’t noise or fear that was distracting Junmyeon—it was a person.

 

* * *

 

 **IT HAD ALREADY BEEN** several days since Sehun’s encounter with the boy at the roof, and every single day, he went to the same spot to see if he’d ever find that boy again. But each attempt resulted in failure, Sehun ending up all alone. He had figured he scared the boy away—the way he panicked and ran away from Sehun obviously showed that he didn’t want anything to do with him.

Sehun figured that going up to the roof was a routine for the boy—only now, it was a routine he had ruined.

But, it was a nice day out—only a few tufts of white floated in the sky and the sun had been beaming at its highest temperatures. Sehun had been in a rather good mood as well—one last try wouldn’t hurt anyone.

He made his way up the same flight of stairs he had walked every day for the past week. It seemed as if each time, the journey became easier and less tiring.

As he opened the heavy door to the open roof, a gust of fresh air pushed against his body.The warmth of the sun felt comfortable on his pale skin, it shining so bright he had to squint. It took several seconds for his eyes to adjust, but once they did, he noticed the silhouette of someone sitting on the edge of the building. _Finally._

Sehun took a seat next to the boy. He smiled at the familiar sight of Sehun.

“You’re back.”

Sehun chuckled quietly to himself. Then, he asked the question that had been surfacing his mind since their first encounter.

“Why are you always up here Or _were_ always up here,” Sehun asked, his eyes still slightly shut because of the intense light coming from the sun.

The boy let out a breath. “It’s really not what you’re probably thinking,” he explained. “It’s more like a hideout. My safe haven. But, if I do feel like...you know. _Jumping_. I just come up here and force myself not to. It lets me have control of something. It’s a good feeling.”

Sehun nodded his head, understanding the boy’s tactics. “I’m sorry you even have to feel like jumping.” He felt uncomfortable being told all this personal information about someone who was pretty much a stranger. The sad part was Sehun didn’t _want_ to be his _stranger._

“It’s okay. You get used to it.”

There was an awkward silence between the two. Sehun looked beneath his feet where students gathered around in their groups and drove off in their cheap cars. He wished things could be that way again—he’d almost always hang out with his friends after the long school day. They’d always go out to the city and look for trouble or something to keep them occupied. At least something to distract them from the stressful school life they had to endure on the daily. Sure, it was nice, and a distraction—but Sehun knew in his gut it wasn’t his place. He’d always end up watching them enjoy themselves. Their “fun” was considered messing with just about anyone who crossed their paths or doing the worst drugs available. The one time Sehun actually got involved in their trouble ended up resulting in a broken nose and the arrest of one of his friends. But otherwise, since Sehun met roof-boy, he spent his after-school hours trying to find him.

“Well. I have homework,” the boy said out of the blue, hopping off the ledge of the building and grabbing his backpack from the ground. Sehun watched, wishing he could think of something to say to make the boy stay. Nothing came to mind.

The boy had already reached the exit, but stopped when Sehun yelled after him.

“Wait,” he shouted. The boy froze and turned around. “What’s your name?” Sehun stepped down from the ledge, leaning against it and crossing his arms.

The boy grinned and looked down at the concrete. “It’s Junmyeon.”

“I’m Sehun.”

 

* * *

 

 **TONIGHT WOULD CONSIST OF** running around town, sneaking into bars while trying to get in on whatever action the area had in store. As excited as Sehun’s friends were, the boy himself knew that he’d ending up making sure the rest wouldn’t walk into traffic and would more than likely have to drive everyone home. Sehun was a year younger than the rest of them, yet he oddly ended up being the most mature by far.

Sehun sighed as the black Audi he had driven in dozens of times before pulled into his driveway, the familiar faces of Chanyeol and Jongin peeking out the sides of the windows. Those two had always been the rowdiest, which meant they were the hardest to control.

“Why so glum, chum?” Chanyeol questioned as Sehun settled in the backseat next to Jongin. Sehun just rolled his eyes at the statement.

“It’s almost two-in-the-morning, why so late?” Sehun asked as Yixing pressed on the gas, the car beginning to speed down the streets of the neighborhood.

“The cops are more tired at night, my friend. You’ll learn.” Jongin gave Sehun a friendly shove in the arm. He knew well that tonight would be more eventful than the last—it was Friday night, and Yixing was with them. That guy was often busy with other things, but if he were to tag along with the group, that meant they would inevitably be getting into trouble.

Jongin soon pulled onto the side of the road, parking the Audi right in front of an empty alley. Sehun had assumed that’s where one of them would make their next drug deal.

The rest were quick to run out the car, Sehun slowly trailing behind, as usual.

“ _Hunnie,_ come on. Loosen up a bit,” Chanyeol nagged, slowing down so Sehun could catch up to him. This wasn’t the first time Sehun had been told to “loosen up.” They always seemed to know how uneasy the young boy had been around them.

The group made their way down the rather empty sidewalks. Not many were outside at this time of night—but those who had been out seemed sketchy. Sehun was always uncomfortable around here, but he learned to get used to the danger around.

“This place good?” Yixing asked as they all stopped in front of a small bar. Sehun looked at Chanyeol, who was looking at Jongin, who was looking at Yixing.

“Sure,” Yixing answered.

“Do you have the...you know,” Jongin whispered in Yixing’s ear. Sehun knew exactly what he was referring to. The fake IDs.

“Trust me,” Yixing said quieter. “They won’t ask to see it.”

Every time they used them, Sehun couldn’t help but feel guilty. It was a crime—one that he hated committing. And the fact that Yixing had even been selling them made him feel even more nervous being associated with such a man.

They all made their way into the crowded bar, showing the guards their fake IDs as they did so. They had all passed through without any altercation, just their luck.

Sehun always wished he hadn’t become associated with the group on nights like these. It really all happened on accident—his older brother had always been close with the group, but that was when he wasn’t in prison.

Sehun, being the young teen he was, was obviously interested in the adventures they would go on. It all sounded marvelous to Sehun—that was until he really got dragged into it all. Each time they would go out, he thought, _maybe they’ll come around. They’ll calm down._ But that never happened. In fact, each time, it would get worse.

Chanyeol was always the most active out of them all—always getting into fights, stealing, gambling—you name it, he’s done it.

Yixing was the calmest next to Sehun when it came to action. He had been three years out of high school, but decided not to go to college. Although he _was_ more relaxed, he was much more dangerous than any of the others. Selling fake IDs, for one, was a felony in itself. But on top of that, he would sell drugs, then use that money to help Chanyeol pay off his gambling debt. As bad as Yixing was, Sehun couldn’t help but look up to him. He was a smart guy, after all, minus the crimes he committed.

“What do you all want?” Yixing asked, nodding towards the crowded bar. Sehun looked at the ground, not answering.

“Their strongest,” Chanyeol answered with a laugh. Yixing walked away and towards the bar. Sehun, not wanting to be left alone with Jongin and Chanyeol, trailed behind Yixing.

Yixing gave the younger a small smile. “You hanging in there?”

“Sure. We haven’t done anything yet, though.” Sehun shoved his hands in his pockets as the bartender asked what they were having. Sehun tried to hide himself, for he _did_ look far younger than twenty-one. The bartender gave Yixing a certain look as he handed over the beers—a look that said, _you’re crazy._ He must have spotted Sehun’s youthful appearance.

About a minute passed, and Yixing had been holding four beer bottles, two in each hand. Sehun took two from his fingers to help.

Chanyeol yanked the beers from Sehun and passed one to Jongin. He started opening one with his hands. He had gotten good at that, for he was a religious beer-drinker.

Yixing chuckled as he handed a drink to Sehun. The boy just stared at it, but Chanyeol didn’t hesitate to open it for him.

“Thanks,” Sehun mumbled.

“Alright. Let’s get out of here,” Jongin suggested before leading the group outside. The cool breeze that greeted them as they exited made Sehun shiver in his denim-jacket. _It’s just another night,_ he told himself. This was normal. They’d do whatever they had to do, then they’d leave.

“What are we up to today?” Chanyeol asked before taking a sip of his drink. Yixing walked faster so he was standing next to Chanyeol.

“I have something to take care of in a few minutes. It shouldn’t take us long to get there. Tag along if you want, you should be fine,” Yixing explained in a quieter voice. Sehun immediately knew what was planned—this wasn’t the first time Yixing had brought them along to a drug deal.

Jongin sighed. “It’s supposed to be more busy out here. People have gone home already,” the boy complained.

“Maybe it’s because you didn’t pick me up until two o’clock,” Sehun chimed in. Jongin shoved the younger as he let out a laugh.

The four made their way down the streets of the town, all following Yixing’s lead. Once he finally reached his destination, he told the three to wait behind. They ended up in a parking garage on the east side of town. Fortunately for Yixing, that had been the most quiet part of town, but also meant it was a popular area for drug deals such as these.

The man on the other end of the deal looked more intimidating than some of the other people Yixing had told to before. His larger body and un-groomed facial hair just about made the scare factor, along with the fact that he had to be no younger than forty.

Sehun watched closely as the two talked, Yixing constantly looking around the area, probably making sure there were no cops. The other man did the same—that’s when he spotted Sehun, Chanyeol, and Jongin.

“Who are you?” he shouted, pointing at the three boys. He started towards the group, raging anger in his step. “You need to get the hell out of here.” Sehun immediately backed away, but, Chanyeol being the relentless boy he is, decided to fight back.

“I don’t have to go anywhere. And besides, I’m with him.” Chanyeol nodded towards Yixing.

The man was now closer to Chanyeol. Jongin awkwardly stood behind, while Sehun was almost yards away.

“You’re just a little kid, alright? Now get out of here.”

Chanyeol laughed before taking a gulp of his beer. “Nope.”

Then, the man took a sharp swing at Chanyeol’s face. This was nothing new—that kid always loved a good fight. Sehun figured it made him feel good, like it was a way to let out his anger. So Sehun didn’t interfere.

The two continued to wrestle until Chanyeol clubbed the guy in the stomach. Yixing then knew that he’d have to stop it. He got in between the two, trying to separate them. The man didn’t give up, though. Yixing tried one last strategy, which was to grab onto Chanyeol’s torso and pull him away.

“Quit it, for fucks sake!” Yixing shouted. “Give me the money then take a fucking walk.”

The man stood up from the concrete, wiping the sweat off his forehead. He searched for the cash in his pockets, handing the money to Yixing. He took it, then handing the man the powdery-white substance. Sehun sighed as he watched them, wishing Yixing, along with Jongin and Chanyeol, could just be normal people. Wishing they wouldn’t have to depend on alcohol or drugs to give them a thrill. But, normality just wasn’t meant to be for them—they were born for the trouble.

 

* * *

 

 **“I’LL BE HERE ONCE YOU’RE DONE,”** Sehun told his sister as she walked further into the building. She didn’t say anything, usual. The two had always been distant, no matter how hard Sehun tried to get rid of the space between them. He would always ask himself exactly why she became this way, but it always goes back to the same thing. _Sehyeon._

The weekly routine had become more and more boring as time passed. Yeseul would have her therapy session while Sehun waited and listened to music in the car. Today, he was feeling relieved, knowing he wouldn’t have to see Yixing and the others for another few days. He turned on some _Bastille._

Sehun looked through the windshield at the people who occasionally walked in and out of the building. They all seemed rather normal, but they weren’t. They were just like his sister—they had to see a professional who could diagnose them with whatever mental illness they had to live with. Except Yeseul had to talk about how she was found doing crack with her boyfriend in the basement, resulting in her being separated from the only family she had left. Along with that, she’d have to discuss how both her brothers had been part of the same gang, which hurt her more than it hurt anyone else. She would have to talk about how bad behavior just ran through her blood.

As _Oblivion_ came to an end over the speakers, Sehun realized how he had begun to doze off. The overcast weather hadn’t made him feel the most energetic that day, along with the pressing visit he had to have with Yeseul. It wasn’t exactly the best idea of brother-sister bonding time—taking each other to therapy. But, being separated in the foster system was something that would take a rather long time to fix. They had already lost Sehyeon—they didn’t want to lose each other. The idea of Yeseul still being affected by not only Sehun’s behavior, but Sehyeon being far off in a penitentiary, had ultimately made Sehun feel down.

That is until Junmyeon showed up.

Sehun watched as the boy exited the building, pausing to hold the door open for the following person. _Gentleman._

Sehun didn’t know if he should at least acknowledge him, or if he’d be better off hiding to avoid further awkwardness. But before he could really come up with a way out of it, Sehun hurriedly left the car and ran after Junmyeon who had begun walking down the sidewalk. The boy was wearing a gray sweatshirt and had his backpack hanging from his shoulders. Sehun took a good look at the figure, just to make sure it was really Junmyeon. But it didn’t take long for him to notice the small yet bright eyes he had, along with his light-brown hair that seemed to be in its perfect position, to know for sure that it was Junmyeon.

“Junmyeon?” Sehun shouted, grabbing the boy’s attention. Junmyeon smiled as he turned around, walking back towards Sehun’s direction.

“Hey Sehun,” Junmyeon greeted as a small smile formed on his face. “What are you doing here?”

Sehun sighed as he glanced at the building next to them. “I bring my sister here for therapy.”

Junmyeon pursed his lips, obviously not wanting to explain his reasons for being at a psychologists’ office.

There was an awkward silence—one Sehun knew would come to occur. The only option to get rid of it was to speak.

“I wonder why we keep running into each other.” Sehun laughed as he leaned against the building.

“Fate, I guess,” Junmyeon said before walking away.

 

* * *

 

 **ANOTHER DAY ON THE ROOF,** worrying about what his father would either do or _not_ do to him. Junmyeon had begun to get tired of being scared, but that was only after realizing he had something else to be afraid of.

It was no surprise to him when Sehun forcefully opened the door, dropping his backpack next to it, then rushing to sit on the ledge next to Junmyeon.

“Hey,” Junmyeon greeted. This had become routine by now—he’d already be staring down at the parking lot when Sehun would barge in. Then, they’d start their casual conversation.

Except today, Sehun stayed quiet, which was something that almost never happened. Junmyeon had gotten used to the younger’s lively spirit. Seeing him so quiet made him worry.

“You okay?” Junmyeon asked as he turned towards Sehun’s direction.

“I’m fine. Just really need to get away from the people I’m surrounding myself with,” Sehun explained before letting out a sigh. He wiped his eyes, staring out at the landscape.

“How so?”

Another sigh. “If I’m around them any longer, I don’t think I’ll ever become a better person. They’re all bad news,” Sehun started. “Do you know Kim Jongin? He’s in your grade.

“You’re friends with him?” Junmyeon questioned as he recalled the behavior of that boy in his head. That guy would almost always show up to class late and never did his schoolwork. And on top of that, he had a rather sour personality. It was a surprise that he had been acquaintances with Sehun.

“Unfortunately. And he’s not even the worst in our group.”

Junmyeon pursed his lips, unsure of what to say. He didn’t want to seem too nosy by asking about the rest of the group—he felt as if he already made Sehun feel uneasy.

“And I can’t exactly cut them off so easily. They’d just get suspicious.” Sehun looked down at his hands as his thoughts drifted from Yixing, then to Chanyeol, then to Jongin. He suddenly remembered every bad memory he had with them, and along with that, realized he had almost no good ones. He started feeling upset again, wishing he had never followed in Sehyeon’s footsteps. He could have ended up so much better if he hadn’t—he wouldn’t have had to deal with having an addiction at the ripe age of fourteen. He wouldn’t have been taken out of four foster homes because of it. Overall, he’d be a better person.

“Well, I hope you get out of it, sooner than later,” Junmyeon praised as he glanced out past the ledge. “That must be hard. I’m not sure what they’re always up to, but I know it’s probably nothing good.”

“You got that right. They’re always up to no good. Every time I’m with them, I just end up babysitting them,” Sehun chuckled. “But, I _could_ use a distraction.”

Junmyeon laughed with a confused look on his face. He was pretty sure he knew what Sehun had meant— _there he is, the lively-spirited Sehun._

“And…”

“Come to my house this week. My foster parents would be glad to know I’ve made a friend who’s not a drug dealer or an alcoholic.” Sehun smiled at Junmyeon, who had also been laughing. “Just meet me up here then? Tomorrow?”

Junmyeon simply nodded with a small smile.

 

* * *

 

 **AS ODD AS IT FELT,** Sehun couldn't help but be excited to spend more time with Junmyeon. It not only meant that he'd have an excuse not to go out with Yixing and the others, but he got to see Junmyeon even longer than he had been every day.

"So how long have you been with your foster family?" Junmyeon asked Sehun as the two made their way down a quiet street in the neighborhood.

"About seven months. They're great though, definitely better than the others. I hope I can stay with them longer," Sehun explained. Junmyeon just nodded in response.

"How'd you become a foster kid? Just curious." Junmyeon scratched the back of his neck, realizing his question was personal, and he just shouldn't have asked. He suddenly felt bad.

Sehun stayed quiet for a moment before speaking. He tried not to feel so pressed, for he had explained this millions of times before. It wouldn't hurt to share with Junmyeon. "My mom just wasn't fit to be a mother. So my brother, sister and I were put into the system. But we've all been separated, so they don't really feel like family anymore.”

"But wasn't your sister with you the other day?" Junmyeon asked as the two turned the corner.

"I always take her to therapy. It's our 'bonding' time, as odd as it is.” Sehun let out a sigh, pointing to a house that stood right before them. "Here it is."

The boys walked up to the door, Junmyeon growing more and more nervous. He didn't know what to expect out of a foster home. But, Sehun had told him they were a good family, so he assumed they would be like any other family.

They walked inside where the sound of plates and water running filled their ears. In the kitchen next door, Sehun's foster mother had been doing dishes as she stared out the window above the sink.

"Hey, Eunmi," Sehun greeted as he set his backpack on the ground next to the door. The woman turned around, a smile then growing upon her face.

"Sehun, how was your day?" she greeted as the two hugged. Sehun nodded towards Junmyeon as a motion for the boy to join them in the kitchen.

"It was alright. Anyway, this is Junmyeon," Sehun introduced, grabbing Junmyeon's arm and pulling him closer. Junmyeon let out a nervous laugh as he smiled as Sehun's foster mother, more properly named _Eunmi._

"Welcome, Junmyeon. I've heard lovely things about you." Junmyeon smiled at that comment, trying to think of exactly what Sehun could tell her. They had only known each other for a little over a month—the thought of Sehun thinking positively of Junmyeon made him excited, though. Nobody had really felt that way about him.

Sehun led Junmyeon upstairs into his temporary bedroom. Junmyeon couldn't help but be envious of it, though. It may have been a foster home, but _for_ a foster home, it was quite nice. The walls were a deep turquoise and the furniture just so happened to complement the color. To Junmyeon’s surprise, he found a framed picture on the table next to Sehun’s bed. The picture was of what Junmyeon assumed was Sehun and his siblings. The other boy looked a lot like Sehun, but the girl didn’t as much. The older boy had his arms around both Sehun and his sister. Sehun was smiling, and Junmyeon could tell it was genuine. The sister was kissing Sehun on the cheek as the boy grinned from ear to ear. “Is this your family?” Junmyeon asked as he picked up the picture frame.

Sehun walked over to where Junmyeon stood, the two now examining the photo. “Yep,” was all Sehun replied with. Junmyeon felt bad, not only for bringing up the fact, but just in general. Thinking about Sehun—who Junmyeon had begun to care greatly about—being yanked out of several foster homes made him feel sympathetic.

“So, Junmyeon,” Sehun questioned as he lay himself down on his bed, crossing his legs and letting out a sigh. “What do you do with your life?”

Junmyeon laughed, sitting next to Sehun. “Wake up, school, roof, therapy, sleep, repeat.”

Sehun chuckled as he stared at the ceiling. Junmyeon liked it when he smiled. It made him look a million times happier than he did when he wasn’t wearing the contagious grin he had.

“Other than that, do you do sports or anything? Or just sit around and listen to music like I do?” Sehun continued, trying to get a conversation going.

“I really don’t do anything. I _think._ That’s my hobby.”

“What do you think about?”

Junmyeon sighed. “A better life.”

Sehun sat up, resting his head on his hand. He looked at Junmyeon with sympathy. “Don’t think like that.”

Junmyeon crossed his arms. “Why not?”

“If you continue to wish for a better life, that’s just wasting the time you could use to actually make it better.”

*

Sehun almost never thought of his brother. Imagining what Sehyeon had to go through in jail had made Sehun sick to his stomach. He had heard from Yixing what it’s like in there—the cold cells where you would have to let each day pass over the other, not knowing exactly what day it is, or exactly how long it would be until you would get out. That’s what Yixing had told Sehun, anyway. He was never in jail for very long—three months at the most. But that was just juvenile detention. Sehyeon was in _prison._ He was a felon.

But as Sehun stared at the ceiling above him, unable to sleep, his thoughts surrounded around Sehyeon and what it’d be like if he’d ever seen him again. He’d probably ask why exactly Sehyeon felt the need to commit such crimes. Sehyeon being the smartass he is, would more than likely make a comment about how it wouldn’t matter anyway—they were all still foster kids. They’d eventually be taken from their current home and be placed in the next. It was pointless. All of it.

Sehun quickly paced down the stairs, entering the more open space of the house once again. He could hear Eunmi, along with his foster father, Dongchul, discussing whatever their first world problem was currently. It was almost always something that had to do with Sehun, for he was their only foster kid at the moment.

“Hi, Sehun. What’s up?” Dongchul asked, welcoming the boy into the living room where they had been resting.

Sehun sat on the leather sofa next to Eunmi. He tried to think of an easy way to address to them what he had been thinking. He figured the best way to get his point across was to just say it straight.

“Do you think I could possibly see my brother? Sehyeon?” Sehun bit his fingernails out of nervousness. He watched as Dongchul and Eunmi exchanged looks. This was obviously a matter they would have to discuss, but Sehun had still anticipated an answer of some sort.

“That could be arranged,” Eunmi gave a small smile. Sehun looked at his hands as he thought more about possibly seeing his brother. Whether or not they’d have a civil conversation, Sehun just wanted to see Sehyeon to make sure he was okay.

“When do you think?”

Dongchul rested a hand on Sehun’s knee. “Soon.”

 

* * *

 

 **SEHUN KNEW THAT THIS WAS A MISTAKE.** After Eunmi and Dongchul decided that it was best if Sehun didn’t go to see Sehyeon, he had become more angry at the fact that it had been ages since he saw his brother. Along with that came the more desperation to see Sehyeon.

“Sehun. Why are we here?” Yeseul asked as Sehun stared at the plain building before them. A feeling of nervousness began to grow inside his chest as he realized his own brother had been living inside such a place. He was _right there._

Yeseul grabbed Sehun’s wrist, grabbing his attention once again. The younger look towards her. She had a certain look upon her face, a look he had seen before. The same look she gave him the night the two were first separated. The look that made Sehun feel more vulnerable than Yeseul herself.

“Just drive away, Hun. You don’t need to see him,” Yeseul assured. Sehun shook his head as he let his hands fall from the steering wheel then into his lap.

“I do, though.” 

Yeseul let out a sigh as she shook her head. “What brought this on, Sehun? You never even spoke of him after he got thrown in jail. Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?”

Sehun didn’t respond. The words coming out of Yeseul’s mouth were just nonsense to him. It didn’t matter how Sehun originally handled the situation—he just wanted to see his brother.

“You don’t have to see him. But I do,” Sehun exited the car and slammed the door behind him. He grew more and more weary as he got closer to the building. As he continued to walk, time seemed to pass slower and slower. He just wanted to be in there already, talking face-to-face with Sehyeon.

That didn’t happen.

*

He went to the roof the next day. There were no clouds to be seen, and no sun had been shining. The air was still as well. Something about that day was just _empty_ , which was exactly how Sehun had felt.

He waited and waited for Junmyeon to show. Ever since Sehyeon rejected seeing Sehun, time seemed to slow down immensely.

Junmyeon quietly opened the door, noticing that Sehun had been sitting directly on the roof’s concrete, his back leaning against the ledge. He could tell something had been bothering Sehun. He quickly dropped his backpack and sat down next to Sehun.

“What’s up?” Junmyeon asked, settling in next to Sehun. “You seem down.”

“I _am_ down. I tried to see my brother yesterday, even after my parents said no. I should have listened to them. He didn’t want to see me—I wasn’t on his visitor’s list or whatever,” Sehun explained quickly. It took a minute for Junmyeon to process what Sehun was saying, but once it sunk in, the younger began to ramble once again.

“I feel so stupid. Like he’d actually want to see his younger brother, especially after all the trouble he had to get me out of. Like he even cares anymore.”

Junmyeon didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t speak at all. Instead, he rested a hand on Sehun’s knee. The younger glanced at his hand. It just rested there, even with the bruises it contained, along with a few cuts.

Sehun then placed his hand above Junmyeon’s—his pale, soft, hand.

They looked at each other.

 

* * *

 

 **EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT,** Junmyeon would go over to Sehun’s house. The two would lay on his bed, watching whatever movie was showing on cable, or they’d just talk and discuss their hopes for the future, and it would also turn into full-on rants about their most irritating teachers.

But tonight was different.

“You’re telling me you don’t listen to _any_ music at all?” Sehun laughed as he scrolled through the music library on his phone. Junmyeon kept silent, not wanting to embarrass himself any further than he already did. He held in a laugh as Sehun settled on an album they’d listen to. The younger handed Junmyeon an earbud as he started playing the music.

“I just never thought of it. And plus, you bring music-listening to a whole new level, so.” Junmyeon let out a breath as he focused on the combination of noises he had been hearing. The song was slower, but still upbeat. A piano started to strongly play over the slow drum beat.

Sehun closed his eyes as Junmyeon watched him get lost in the song. Once the raspy yet powerful vocal started, Sehun mouthed the lyrics along with it. Junmyeon then realized that Sehun was _literally_ perfect. His face was perfectly sculpted, it seemed. His eyes were the perfect size and were perfectly spaced from his perfect nose. His silky, black hair that looked softer than fleece was perfectly brushed out of his face. All that plus his perfectly smooth skin, along with his perfectly shaped lips, made him more than just _perfect_.

The song was almost over when Junmyeon realized he had just stared at Sehun for almost five whole minutes. He wouldn’t hate that, though. You could stare at Sehun for years and not get tired of it.

Sehun opened his eyes again and turned on his phone to switch the song.

“What was that?” Junmyeon asked.

Sehun let out a deep breath. “ _Save Rock And Roll, Fall Out Boy._ Probably one of my favorite songs of all time. Did you like it?”

“Yeah. Play another one like it,” Junmyeon told Sehun. Once Junmyeon made that statement, Sehun almost immediately went to a certain song. He started playing _Robbers_ by _The 1975._

Another slow drum beat started out the song, but this time, a strong guitar melody brought in the music rather than a piano. Junmyeon already liked this song more than the last—it was a lot calmer and laid back.

Junmyeon looked at Sehun again, except this time, his eyes weren’t closed. He calmly stared at his legs which were lying straight ahead of him. He had one arm behind his head, the other resting right next to his body.

Resting just centimeters from Junmyeon’s. He just stared at that perfect hand.

“This song always reminds me of my siblings,” Sehun said out of nowhere. Junmyeon looked back at his face, and could tell he felt somber inside. The song had reached its most powerful part—the bridge. “Especially this part.”

_But if you’d just take off your mask, you’d find out everything’s gone wrong._

“Do you want to talk about it?” Junmyeon asked. Sehun looked at him _—really_ looked at him—and Junmyeon knew that he in fact _didn’t_ want to talk about it. So he didn’t speak. Instead, he slowly moved his hand closer to Sehun’s, feeling each muscle tense as it moved. His heart then started to pound when he could feel the softness of Sehun’s fingers against the back of his hand. Then, without hesitation, Junmyeon just held his hand. Tightly, too. Their fingers laced over each other’s knuckles almost perfectly—Junmyeon gave Sehun credit for that—he _was_ perfect.

_You look so cool._

Sehun squeezed Junmyeon’s hand.

The song ended. Sehun turned on a new one, still holding Junmyeon’s hand all the while. _How Would You Feel_ by Ed Sheeran started to play.

The two sat in silence, continuing to listen to the music. Junmyeon enjoyed this—just being with Sehun, holding his hand—much more than what they’d normally do. But then again, he wanted to allow himself to just say the words. Say _I like Sehun._ But he just couldn’t. This was what he had been afraid of since the day they first met—Junmyeon knew that he’d become attached to Sehun. No matter how hard he tried _not_ to think about Sehun, at the end of the day, his mind would wander back to him.

_How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?_

Sehun looked at Junmyeon again. Last time, he _really_ looked at Junmyeon—but now, he was just falling for him.

And just like that, Sehun kissed him. And it was perfect. Sehun let go of Junmyeon’s hand, resting his own on Junmyeon’s shoulder as they locked lips. The kiss didn’t last long since Junmyeon had pulled away, leaving Sehun feeling almost stupid for doing such a thing.

“I’m sorry,” Sehun started, settling back to his original position. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Junmyeon set a hand on Sehun’s arm. “No, I’m glad you did.” Then, the two spent another good fifteen seconds just staring at each other. Junmyeon, wanting to reassure Sehun, kissed the boy again. Sehun kissed him back.

_Taking my time spending my life falling deeper in love with you._

“What are we doing?” Sehun asked after letting out a small laugh. Junmyeon smiled, his hand moving from Sehun’s arm to his face.

“Who knows.” Junmyeon chuckled.

 

* * *

 

 **TIME SEEMED TO PASS** a million times faster since Junmyeon and Sehun kissed—at least that’s how it felt to Junmyeon. He couldn’t help but think about Sehun every minute of the day. As much as he wished he could deny it, Junmyeon was crazy for the boy. Exactly what he was terrified of happening since that September afternoon.

Junmyeon smiled as Sehun opened the door to the roof, Sehun grinning himself. Junmyeon hadn’t been sitting over the ledge today, but on the direct concrete with his back leaning against the barrier. It was freezing outside, despite it being the middle of December. But Junmyeon figured Sehun could make things warmer.

“Hey,” was all Sehun greeted with. Normally, they’d be more talkative. But they both knew what was on their minds ever since their kiss.

“How was your day?” Junmyeon asked.

“It was alright.” Sehun looked at Junmyeon’s hand resting calmly on his thigh—his bruised and scarred hand. Sehun held it. Junmyeon smiled.

Junmyeon bit his lips as he shivered from the cold. He tried to process what exactly he wanted to tell Sehun. He couldn’t think of an easy way to tell him that as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t love Sehun. He was too afraid. But, he couldn’t tell that to Sehun. It would hurt the both of them.

“Sehun,” Junmyeon spoke, a cloud of frost coming from his lips as he spoke. Sehun looked towards him. Instead of telling Sehun what he truthfully felt, he spit out the next thing wandering his mind. “I’m not out. Just thought you should know.”

A moment of silence occurred as Sehun looked at the concrete. Junmyeon felt as if what he said was wrong, but he didn’t know how it could be. “Are you?”

Sehun gazed at Junmyeon with a small smile. “No. But I’m not a fan of labels, so I don’t really need to come out. As long as I can just be with you, I’ll be okay.”

Junmyeon simpered. Sehun didn’t say anything else. Instead, he pulled his phone from his pocket, handing one of the headphones to Junmyeon. He turned on _Burning Bridges_ by _OneRepublic._

The two sat on the roof in the cold temperatures, listening to each song that passed. Junmyeon didn’t even know them, but just because Sehun enjoyed them, Junmyeon did. He _loved_ them.

It had become darker out, and Junmyeon had realized that he began to doze off. He knew if he weren’t home within twenty minutes, his father would realize.

Junmyeon stood up, letting go of Sehun’s hand in which he had been holding for the past several minutes. Sehun stood with him.

“I have to leave,” Junmyeon said, his voice dry and quiet. Sehun nodded as he put a hand on Junmyeon’s shoulder. The two just stood there in silence, waiting for something to get them to separate. But they didn’t want to. Junmyeon knew he wanted to be able to be with Sehun—really _be_ with him—but something in his gut told him he couldn’t.

Junmyeon embraced Sehun, the warmth of his body making Junmyeon feel more comfortable at last. Junmyeon liked the way Sehun hugged him. The way he had one arm around the span of Junmyeon’s shoulders, the other lightly holding the small of his back. It made him feel secure, like nothing could take him away from Sehun. Not even the doubts running throughout his mind.

“Bye, Sehun.” The younger placed a kiss on Junmyeon’s forehead before he walked out.

As Junmyeon made his way back into the open area, he couldn’t help but think of Sehun. Think of how he had been holding his hand, and it seemed to fit perfectly with his own. Think of the way his lips felt—soft and warm. Think of his existence. Think of his perfection. Junmyeon wished he had a family to show Sehun off to. Siblings that would support him loving another guy. Friends that could admire their relationship.

Instead, Junmyeon had to enter the muggy home that never seemed welcoming whatsoever. He prayed that his father was asleep or in a better mood than other days.

Unfortunately, he got a hold of too many beers.

As Junmyeon quietly entered the house, his dad seemed to immediately storm towards the boy. Junmyeon started to panic.

“Why are you home so late?” The man shouted sternly. Junmyeon looked at the tile ground as he swallowed his words. “Explain or you’ll be sorry.”

“I was studying at school.”

“For five hours?” Junmyeon could sense the anger boiling inside his father as the man stiffened. Junmyeon knew what this meant.

“I’m sorry,” he practically whispered. His dad took a strong slap at Junmyeon’s face. He froze, trying to process what’s just happened. It’s been months since his father hit him. He thought things were getting better. But he should have known—every time things clear up, they always go downhill. _Always._

“Why were you studying, huh? Have you been failing your classes?”

Junmyeon inhaled deeply. “No,” he lied. His father stared down his son before grabbing his shoulder, pushing him forward. “Just go to your room, don’t come out.” Junmyeon followed his orders, making his way down the dark hallways into his tiny bedroom.

He felt tears forming in his eyes but forced them back. If he cried, that meant his father defeated him. He didn’t want to accept that fact.

Junmyeon finally felt the pain growing in his head. All he could think about in that moment was a way to heal quickly. _Sehun._

He checked in the mirror to see if there was any bruising. Just a slight redness.

He set his backpack down. Then, he opened the window that looked out over the open and empty yard. Junmyeon climbed out, then left.

 

* * *

 

 **SEHUN LOOKED STARTLED WHEN** he opened the door to Junmyeon. It had only been an hour since they saw each other, but the boy had thought they wouldn’t see each other until the next day. At first, Sehun was happy to see Junmyeon. That is until he saw the look on his face. The same look he had when Sehun first interrupted him on the roof. Like he was terrified.

“Junmyeon,” Sehun greeted. “Are you alright?” He opened the door further, Junmyeon then walking inside. He felt envious of the beautiful and put-together home. That was something he could only dream of having.

“N-no,” Junmyeon stuttered. He tried to think of a way to tell Sehun what happened, but he couldn’t, for he still was processing what his father did.

Sehun didn’t speak. He just pulled Junmyeon into his arms. “What happened?”

Junmyeon couldn’t talk, for his face was buried in Sehun’s neck. He just continued to breathe deeply. Sehun held him tighter.

“I can’t go back,” Junmyeon mumbled. “I never want to go back.”

Sehun let go of Junmyeon before wiping a tear from the boy’s cheek. It scared him, seeing Junmyeon this way. He had no clue he even had the ability to cry. He was like a rock—Sehun had only seen Junmyeon smile. That was the only emotion he had ever seen from him. Until now.

“It’s okay. Let’s go upstairs.” Sehun took Junmyeon’s hand. They went began to walk up the steps.

Junmyeon sat on Sehun’s bed. He wanted to not talk about what happened, but lay there and hold Sehun’s hand and listen to whatever his new favorite song was.

Sehun pulled the comforter open, allowing Junmyeon to get under them. He pulled the blanket over Junmyeon before climbing under them himself. Junmyeon just stared at the ceiling. Sehun stared at him as he did so.

“Just sleep here tonight. Don’t worry about school. We’ll ditch tomorrow.” Sehun smiled as Junmyeon turned to face him. Looking at him made every problem seem to go away. _Perfect._

“What about your parents?” Junmyeon questioned shakily.

“They’ll understand. They’re foster parents.”

Junmyeon searched beneath the duvet to find Sehun’s hand. He did, and it felt even softer and more pure. Sehun let out a chuckle as he squeezed Junmyeon’s hand.

“Can you put on some music?” Junmyeon asked. Without hesitating, Sehun reached behind him for his phone that rested on the table next to his bed. He turned it on, then searched for a good song for that moment. _Fix You, Coldplay._

Junmyeon had heard this song before. He felt the need to cry even more, but he didn’t.

Sehun let go of Junmyeon’s hand, moving it to the boy’s face. Junmyeon shut his eyes as Sehun’s hand brushed over the area his dad had hit him. Sehun moved his hand from Junmyeon’s face down to his arm. He lightly stroked it, Junmyeon feeling his delicate fingers beneath his long sleeved shirt.

_I will try to fix you._

Sehun softly kissed Junmyeon, but this time, he made sure it lasted longer. Junmyeon didn’t pull away. Sehun smiled.

“What?” Junmyeon laughed. Sehun stayed quiet. He turned on _Kiss You_ by _One Direction._ Junmyeon laughed again, Sehun doing the same. The two just giggled uncontrollably as the youthful voice of Harry Styles filled their ears.

“I seriously want to know why you have this in your music library,” Junmyeon said as he shoved Sehun in the shoulder. Sehun shoved him back.

“Shh, or else Eunmi and Dongchul will wake up.” Sehun calmed down as he pulled the blanket further over the both of them. Sehun leaned over Junmyeon’s face, admiring its features in the dim light. Junmyeon glared back at him, trying to hold in his laughter.

_Baby say yeah, and let me kiss you._

“I’d be able to take you much more seriously if you’d change the song. Please,” Junmyeon whispered before Sehun could kiss him again. Sehun started laughing. Again.

He calmed down and started playing _The Fault In Our Stars_ by Troye Sivan.

Sehun kissed him again. He _really_ kissed him. Junmyeon set his hand on the back of Sehun’s neck, pulling him closer. He felt every problem—school, his father, _himself_ —slip away as Sehun’s lips locked onto his. He felt the pain pulsing in his head subside as Sehun caressed his cheek.

_It’s determined and demanding to ache, but I’m okay._

Junmyeon decided he liked this song more than _Robbers._ The voice of the singer was warm and soothing, just like how Sehun’s mouth felt against Junmyeon’s.

The two stopped their kissing once Sehun burrowed his face in the crook of Junmyeon’s neck. Junmyeon wrapped his arms around the younger’s lower back. Silence grew between them, except for the low-pitched vocals of Troye Sivan.

“My dad hit me,” Junmyeon admitted. Sehun didn’t speak or move, but placed a small peck on Junmyeon’s neck. “It had been months since he did anything like it. I thought he was starting to come around.”

“I’ll protect you from him. It will be okay, my foster parents can help you.”

“You don’t need to do that, Sehun. It’ll enrage him even more.”

Sehun lifted his head. “I don’t want you getting hurt. If it will keep you happy, then that’s what I’ll have to do.”

_I just wanna see the stars with you._

Another kiss.

“Go to sleep,” Junmyeon ordered as he made himself more comfortable beneath the comforter. No more Troye had been singing in his ears, but now, a somber piano melody started. The notes were covered by a dark, inaudible voice. Junmyeon glared at Sehun with confusion.

_Sleep, My Chemical Romance._

Junmyeon chuckled. “I can’t fall asleep to this.”

Sehun sighed. He played _To Build A Home_ by _The Cinematic Orchestra_ , then reached for Junmyeon’s hand and held it. He rubbed his thumb over Junmyeon’s palm. Junmyeon now had his full attention on Sehun as he began to drift off to sleep. Even in his slumber, he was still Sehun. Even in his slumber, he was still perfect.

Junmyeon scolded himself.

He had fallen in love.

 

* * *

 

 **EVEN IN THE CAR,** Sehun and Junmyeon would hold each other's’ hands. Junmyeon liked that—it made him feel that much more secure from the world. As much as Junmyeon hated the sight of the Wellness Center in front of him, being with Sehun made it feel less negative.

 

     “Yeseul should be done soon.” Sehun let out a deep breath as he closed his eyes. Junmyeon didn’t notice until then that Sehun did that a lot. When he did, it seemed like all his problems slipped away, like the breath he exhaled had carried his worries with him. Junmyeon also forgot how Sehun isn’t as normal as he seems. Dongchul and Eunmi seemed like such loving parents, as if they really raised Sehun together and were able to teach him lessons and _truly_ be his parents. But they were just another couple of foster parents.

    

Once Junmyeon finally met Yeseul, he was able to see where Sehun got his spunky attitude from.

    

“So you’re gay,” she commented as she entered the backseat of the car. Yeseul must have immediately noticed the fact that Sehun and Junmyeon were _still_ holding hands.

    

The two looked at each other. Junmyeon looked intimidated, while Sehun had started laughing. “Sure.”

    

Yeseul set a hand on Sehun’s shoulder, her other on Junmyeon’s. The older slightly jolted in the car seat. She was definitely not shy—another trait Sehun had.

    

“It’s cool. I just didn’t know,” Yeseul said more genuinely. “So you’re _Junmyeon?_ ”

    

Junmyeon just nodded. Yeseul let go of his shoulder. Junmyeon hoped that was all they’d have to talk about, but then Yeseul decided to have a full-on interview with him.

    

“How old are you?” she asked first.

    

“Eighteen.”

    

“Favorite color?”

    

“Blue.”

    

“That’s everybody’s favorite,” she laughed. Junmyeon kept quiet. Sehun looked at him, giving him an encouraging smile.

    

“Okay...favorite song?”

    

Junmyeon stayed silent again. He tried to remember the one song Sehun played for him last night, but it didn’t come to mind. And he most definitely didn’t want to ask, _hey, what song did we listen to when you were making out with me? Not the_ One Direction _one, but the other. That’s my favorite._

“ _The Fault In Our Stars_ by Troye Sivan,” Sehun answered for him. Junmyeon smiled.

    

Yeseul nodded with an impressed look. “What are your parents like? Are they your typical middle-aged people or are they actually unique to society?”

    

Sehun looked back at Yeseul with a certain look—one that was scolding. She leaned back against the seat.

    

“I don’t have parents.”

    

“Me neither,” Yeseul chuckled. A silence grew in the car.

    

“Are you meeting with Chanyeol tonight? It’s been ages since I saw him and the others. I miss them,” she explained as Sehun started up the car again. As he remembered them—Yixing, Chanyeol, and Jongin—he felt uneasy. They hadn’t approached him any time recently, and it’s been months since Sehun last saw them. He didn’t know how they had felt about him anymore—he knew it couldn’t be good, despite him completely cutting them off.

    

“I haven’t talked to them in a while,” Sehun replied after a long moment of silence. He thought more about seeing them again. They couldn’t be too harsh on him, for they all knew how young Sehun was compared to them. They knew how timid and weak he became around them.

    

“Why don’t we go see them? Please,” Yeseul begged. Sehun didn’t want to.

    

“Fine.” Sehun turned the corner to get to the area where Yixing lived. They always would meet at his house if they weren’t out—only because he lived alone. Sehun prayed they were out on the town, and if anybody was at the house, it’d only be Yixing. Sehun could handle him—he liked Yixing, even despite his horrible decisions.

    

Sehun reached for Junmyeon’s hand. He wanted to hold it while he still could. That was another thing Sehun was scared of—what would Jongin and Chanyeol think of Sehun liking another guy? He knew Yixing would accept that fact, for he was just that kind of person. But Jongin was the judgemental type. And Chanyeol was just unpredictable.

    

They finally got to the nicer side of town where Yixing lived. With all the money he made selling drugs and what-not, he definitely put it to good use. That including an almost-mansion with several unneeded bedrooms and the biggest of living areas.

    

Once Sehun put the car in park, next to the black Audi, Yeseul nearly jumped out of the van. She almost loved Yixing as much as Sehun did.

    

“Do you want to come inside?” Sehun asked Junmyeon as he slowly let go of his hand. Junmyeon paused. “Yixing’s good people. You’d like him.”

    

Junmyeon trusted Sehun, so he believed that this Yixing person truly was a good man. He nodded, Sehun smiled.

    

Junmyeon walked slowly behind Sehun as they watched Yeseul hug the living daylights out of Yixing. He had a smile on his face, one that Sehun loved to see. It seemed to hide all the horrible things Yixing had done—his smile was the kind you just loved to look at.

    

Sehun finally reached the front door where Yixing was surprised to see the boy. Sehun greeted him politely, just like normal. Yixing smiled and welcomed him inside, just like normal.

    

“Who’s this?” Yixing asked, gesturing towards Junmyeon. Sehun put his arm around the older, trying to look as least “boyfriend” as he could.

    

“My friend Junmyeon. He’ll talk your ear off,” Sehun said sarcastically. Junmyeon rolled his eyes.

    

“Nice to meet you, Junmyeon. Make yourselves at home,” Yixing said as he quickly tidied up the living area. Yeseul lied herself on the loveseat, Sehun and Junmyeon sitting on the longer sofa. Yixing threw a pillow on the ground as he took a spot next to Sehun.

    

“What brings you here?” he asked. Sehun let out a deep breath before speaking.

    

“Just wanted to let you know I’m not dead. And Yeseul was just dying to see you.” Yixing grinned at Yeseul as she gave him a wink. “How are things with Jongin and Chanyeol?”

    

Yixing shook his head as he reminisced all the crazy things those two were always up to. “They’re Jongin and Chanyeol. And I’m still Yixing, making sure they don’t do anything too stupid.”

    

A painful stillness grew in the room. Sehun looked at Junmyeon, who was staring into the ground. He could tell Junmyeon was feeling uncomfortable. He started to feel bad. He wanted to hold his hand, but he didn’t. He couldn’t.

    

Yeseul stood, making her way towards the three boys. She took a seat on Yixing’s lap, making him burst into laughter. Sehun shook his head at the crazy flirt his sister had been. She would do this with just about every male who crossed her path. And Sehun couldn’t stop her—despite the fact that she had been doing drugs with a random guy in the basement of their last foster home together.

    

“I think you should celebrate Christmas with us, Junnie. I’m sure Eunmi and Dongchul would love you. Right, Sehun?” Yeseul explained as she cuffed her hands around Yixing’s neck. He raised his eyebrows as he exchanged looks with Sehun.

    

“Only if his foster parents are okay with it, I’d love to. Is that okay, Sehun?” Yixing leaned forward.

    

Junmyeon was still staring at the ground.

    

“Of course,” Sehun simpered. “Junmyeon. You come too, okay?” He gave Junmyeon the expression that said all Junmyeon needed to know, for Sehun couldn’t say it out loud— _I care about you._ Junmyeon nodded with a small smile.

    

“Cool,” Yeseul exclaimed as she jumped up from Yixing’s lap. “It’s a double-date.”

    

Sehun froze, realizing what Yeseul had just done. Junmyeon had run out the house before Sehun could even blink. Yixing stayed quiet.

    

“Sorry.” Yeseul followed behind Junmyeon. “See you this weekend!” she shouted before shutting the door.

    

Yixing stood up, Sehun doing the same.

    

“So _that’s_ why you’ve been distant,” Yixing commented coolly. Sehun knew this wouldn’t be a huge deal to him. _He was one of those people._

“Sorry.” Sehun made his way towards the door, but Yixing stopped him.

    

“If he makes you happy, then don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about Jongin and Chanyeol.”

    

And that was why Yixing was practically Sehun’s favorite human.

    

“Thanks. But if you’d keep this a secret, I’d appreciate it. On Junmyeon’s behalf.” Yixing nodded as he softly slapped Sehun’s upper arm.

    

“Junmyeon, he’s just...different. He doesn’t really have a family. Life at home is rough for him, and I just need to be there for him right now. And in the future,” Sehun explained as he looked back out the window, through the windshield of his foster parents’ car. Junmyeon had quietly been sitting in the front and looking out the window.

    

“Of course,” Yixing encouraged. “I saw the way you looked at him. I think you’re good for each other, especially if he has a hard time at home.” Sehun nodded as he smiled to himself.

    

Moments later, Yixing began to talk again. “I’ll see you this weekend. Sorry, but you know your sister. You don’t turn her down.” The two began to laugh until Yixing motioned for Sehun to leave.

    

In the car, Junmyeon and Yeseul were quiet. Sehun then became angry towards her as he remembered what she had done. He knocked on the back window, she eventually rolled in down.

    

“Step out, Yeseul. Go chat up Yixing or something,” Sehun commanded as he opened the door to the driver’s seat. Yeseul sighed dramatically, getting out of the vehicle.

    

Junmyeon still had his sights focused on the front lawn. Sehun brushed his hand against Junmyeon’s cheek, trying to comfort him. He barely moved.

    

“I don’t like this,” Junmyeon nearly whispered. His voice sounded shaky and dry. Sehun looked at the floor of the car, trying to comprehend Junmyeon’s statement.

    

“What do you not like?”

    

Junmyeon changed his glance from out the window to the dashboard. “I don’t like being in love, Sehun. If it’s just this hiding, then I don’t think I like it.”

    

Sehun tried not to worry. On the bright side, Junmyeon admitted he was in love.

    

But he couldn’t help but worry. Sehun had liked Junmyeon—really _really_ liked him—and the idea of Junmyeon ending it all after only a few months made the nerves in Sehun’s stomach go crazy. Junmyeon had the same look on his face—the one that terrified Sehun. The look he had the night he showed up at Sehun’s house in the middle of the night. The look he had the first time on the roof.

    

“I’m afraid to love you.” Sehun could tell Junmyeon was trying to hold back his tears. Sehun grabbed his hand and held it tightly.

    

“Don’t be afraid, Junmyeon. Remember. I’m gonna protect you, okay?” Sehun explained. He crept his hand behind Junmyeon’s neck, pulling him closer. Sehun could feel Junmyeon’s shaky breaths as he closed his eyes. Sehun slowly pressed his lips against Junmyeon’s. And he felt himself fall for the boy once again.

    

“Please, just let me love you. I won’t hurt you, not if my life depended on it.” Sehun kept his face close to Junmyeon’s. The older looked at Sehun right in his eyes. He became weaker and weaker as milliseconds passed.

    

“Okay.”

    

* * *

 

 **SEHUN SEEMED TO BE MORE HAPPY THAN NORMAL** this year. Normally, Christmas would consist of him continuing to worry about if he’d still be in that foster home the next year. Whether it be wishing he could be placed in another house, or wanting to stay—he could almost never enjoy the holidays.

    

Eunmi and Dongchul were welcoming to Yeseul, even despite the horrible things she had done in past homes. They understood how hard it must have been for Sehun—losing his brother to prison, then being separated from his sister. And they loved Yixing. Who _didn’t_ love Yixing?

    

Junmyeon was something special, though. Sehun had kept his social life a secret—his foster parents weren’t aware of the fact that Sehun had still been surrounding himself with bad people. They just knew he went to rehab for a year, but now, he was clean. Sehun didn’t want to be around them. Every minute spent with them was just another minute of anxiousness. But Junmyeon—he made all those issues fade away.

    

As Yixing helped Eunmi clean dishes, Junmyeon and Sehun decided to decorate the tree. They had to dig through the storage room to find the bin with all the tinsel and ornaments and what-not, and dusting them off was a whole other job. Junmyeon seemed to enjoy it, however. As he cleaned the different ornaments, Sehun watched with admiration. Then he realized Junmyeon had never spent a Christmas like this. In fact, he probably never even celebrated the holiday itself.

    

As Sehun recalled that fact, he walked over to where Junmyeon stood and put an arm around him. He wanted to kiss his forehead. He didn’t.

    

“You’re good at this,” Sehun commented as he overlooked the tree. The combination of gold and silver ornaments, along with its fairy lights, seemed to complete the entire living area. Junmyeon looked up at Sehun and smiled. Sehun felt butterflies in his stomach.

    

“Thanks, but you’re probably better.”

    

Junmyeon lightly brushed his fingers against Sehun’s hand. He felt the urge to hold it completely, but after what Yeseul pulled the other day, he couldn’t.

    

“Yixing is really cool with it all. I promise,” Sehun reassured as Junmyeon straightened up a faux branch. The older just smiled small and nodded. “But I won’t tell Eunmi and Dongchul. If you don’t want me to.”

    

Junmyeon reached down into the bin for the silver strand of tinsel. “I don’t care. Tell the whole world,” he answered quietly. Sehun stared at the ground. He felt guilty all of a sudden.

    

He walked away.

    

In the kitchen, Sehun joined Yeseul in setting the table. A deep-red fabric covered the table. Sehun grabbed a handful of silverware from Yeseul’s hand, then placing them next to the polished, white plates. She gave him a dirty glare. Sehun just smiled.

    

Once they had finished completing the counter, everyone made their way to the living space to relax while dinner finished cooking. Junmyeon had already been sitting on the sofa. Sehun sat next to him.

    

“Lovely job on the tree, boys,” Eunmi grinned. Junmyeon and Sehun exchanged looks—a look that had gone on too long.

    

Yeseul crawled towards the tree where several presents surrounded it. She gave a begging glance towards the rest of the group, obviously wanting to open them. Dongchul waved his hand, allowing her to search through the gifts.

 

“My parents will be here soon, are you sure you want to open them now?” Eunmi asked as she took a seat in the recliner. By then, Yeseul had already been passing gifts out.

    

“I got something for everybody,” she commented.

 

“Yixing…Yixing…Sehun…Eunmi…Sehun…Dongchul…”

    

The others seemed to shake their heads at Yeseul’s generosity. As much as Sehun appreciated it, he wished she hadn’t done such a thing. After all, they really didn’t feel that close anymore.

    

Dongchul and Eunmi laughed as they began to unwrap their gifts. Sehun didn’t seem surprised when it was just boxes wrapped in boxes wrapped in boxes. Once they finally got to the center, there was a box that had a large bottle of champagne inside.

    

“For taking care of my brother,” Yeseul added as the adults smiled. They thanked her, then moving their attention to Yixing.

    

His gift had been nothing more than a small teddy bear. It held a plush heart in its paws that said, “I love you beary much!” Yixing laughed. A lot. Then, he threw the bear at Yeseul. She tossed it back.

    

“You ungrateful shit,” she mumbled. Yixing rolled his eyes.

   

As the group continued to open their gifts, Junmyeon just watched. He watched them smile and feel great joy as they shared their love for one another. He wanted to be part of it. He wanted his mom back. He wanted to see her beautiful grin that seemed nothing but genuine. He wanted a sober father again. He wanted friends who would support him. He wanted a sister as generous as Sehun’s. He wanted to feel loved.

    

“I think dinner is ready!” Dongchul exclaimed as a timer went off in the kitchen. The rest began to get out of their seats and run to the dining area. Junmyeon and Sehun stuck behind.

    

They were now out of sight.

    

Sehun reached behind him for the envelope that had sat on the coffee table next to the sofa. On it had _Junmyeon_ written in his messy handwriting. A heart was next to his name.

    

“For you,” Sehun told as he handed Junmyeon the paper. The older looked happier as he took the envelope.

    

Inside was nothing but a piece of paper. Junmyeon read it.

    

_Junmyeon –_

_Merry Christmas. You told me not to buy you anything so that’s why I’m writing this. Haha._

_I want you to know that you’re a good person. You’re important. I don’t care what your teachers or your dad or what anyone else says. Because I know you’re a good person. You’re beyond good. I can’t think of a big enough word. Just know you’re amazing._

_Thank you for being a good friend. I hope my family can provide you a nice Christmas—I know you probably haven’t celebrated properly in a while. I’m glad you’re celebrating with me._

_I don’t want to write what I want to say next. I’d rather say it to you._

Junmyeon glanced at Sehun. “What do you want to say?” They both laughed.

    

Sehun grabbed the boy’s face. “I love you.” He kissed Junmyeon softly. Junmyeon kissed back.

    

“I love you too.” He scolded himself again. Scolded himself for giving in. Scolded himself for facing his fear. The one fear he never wanted to overcome, for he knew what it would do to him.

     

_I hope you enjoy your Christmas. Not just today, but tomorrow, and the next day, and every day you live after that. You mean a lot to me, okay? And you’re a good person. Man, I’d really rather be saying this to you, but I couldn’t. I know I’m talkative but these things_ — _these heartfelt, important, sensitive things_ — _I couldn’t tell you to your face. But I hope you stick with my crazy ass long enough to where I can learn to tell you those things._

_Don’t leave me, Junmyeon._

_Merry Christmas._

— _Sehun_

    

“Let’s go eat. I have something else for you later,” Sehun whispered, grabbing Junmyeon’s hand. They stood up together. They walked to the kitchen together. Junmyeon let go of Sehun’s hand.

 

*

 

Sehun dragged Junmyeon out onto the front porch. Outside, it was freezing cold. But the two didn’t seem to care.

    

“Like I said, I had something extra for you,” Sehun explained as he continued to hide the gift behind his back. Junmyeon lightly bounced on his feet as he patiently waited. “I know you told me not to get you anything. But, I couldn’t resist.” Sehun held out his hand. In it, he held a larger red box that had gold embellishments on its borders. Junmyeon just stared at it for a while. Sehun put it in the boy’s hands himself.

    

“Open it,” he demanded before chuckling. Junmyeon did as he was told. Inside the box rested a shiny silver bracelet, one that had nearly blinded him. It was simple. But beautiful. It looked valuable. It looked like something Junmyeon could never afford in his entire lifetime.

    

He had just been looking at it for seconds, which then turned into minutes. Sehun gently picked up the bracelet, then placing the box on the wooden porch below his feet. Sehun delicately took hold of Junmyeon’s hand—his sensitive, brittle hand. The hand that had the same cuts and bruises. Sehun slid the bracelet onto his wrist—his skinny, weak wrist. Sehun then gripped it. Junmyeon felt like crying.

    

“My father gave me one when I was little before he died. Well, it was my brother’s, but then he gave it to Yeseul. Then she gave it to me. You’re like a brother to me, so now, it’s yours.” Sehun looked deeply in Junmyeon’s eyes, making sure the boy took in everything he had been saying. It was evident that he did once a tear fell down Junmyeon’s face.

    

“I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you,” Junmyeon choked out. Sehun moved his hands from Junmyeon’s wrist to the boy’s shoulders. There were long silent moments as Sehun rehearsed what he wanted to say to Junmyeon.

    

“Junmyeon. I think that I can give you strength, and I can really love you. But I know the problem is that you’re afraid. You’re afraid that I won’t protect you. That I won’t love you. But I will. Only if you let me.”

    

Sehun felt himself fall for Junmyeon again. Junmyeon felt himself fall for Sehun again.

    

Junmyeon couldn’t speak. Suddenly, the air had been stolen from his lungs and his vocal chords had been ripped from his throat. All he could manage to do was cry.

    

“So please, Junmyeon. Just tell me that you’ll let me love you. I want you to truly mean it.” Sehun pulled him into his arms. He held Junmyeon tightly. Junmyeon still couldn’t speak, but he nodded. He nodded and he held Sehun.

    

“You can love me,” Junmyeon whispered after moments of quiet.

    

They kissed.

 

* * *

 

 **SEHUN KNEW HE WOULDN’T STOP** at giving Junmyeon his bracelet. As much as he wanted to show Junmyeon how much he cared about him—not only with buying him gifts—but doing greater things for him.

    

Thankfully, tonight wasn’t as cold as normal. And thankfully, hot air rises. So being on the roof wasn’t as cold as the rest of the area’s teenagers would be as they ran around the town, trying to find a source of alcohol or cocaine. Sehun knew he wasn’t the only one who wanted to forget the madness of the year. He actually had been craving a beer in that moment, as much as he hated drinking.

    

He told Junmyeon to meet him on the roof at ten o’clock—that’s when the janitors would have left the school and parents would already be sleeping on their couches. But it was almost eleven, and Sehun was still all alone.

    

It had gotten colder. And later. And it was almost the new year.

    

Junmyeon didn’t come until eleven-forty-five.

    

“I’m sorry. Sneaking out was harder than I thought,” Junmyeon explained, running closer to Sehun. “Fifteen minutes left.”

    

Sehun took his hand. He was suddenly warmer.

    

Junmyeon rested his head on Sehun’s chest.

    

“Why did you want me up here?” Junmyeon asked as he wrapped his hands around the back of Sehun’s neck, his head still pressed against the younger’s chest.

    

“I want you to be my new year’s kiss.” Sehun looked down at Junmyeon. He placed a kiss on the boy’s head, holding him tighter to keep warm. “But in the meantime,” Sehun said as he started playing a song from his phone before setting it on the ledge next to them. Junmyeon didn’t recognize the song. “I want to show you more music.”

    

Junmyeon grabbed Sehun’s phone from the platform and looked at the title of the song. _Find You. Zedd._

Junmyeon liked this one so far. It was a relaxed acoustic song, driven by both a piano and guitar. There were two singers on this song—a boy and a girl. Their voices combined nicely with one another.

    

_I’ll run away with your footsteps._

Sehun placed his hand on Junmyeon’s cheek. It felt soft against his dry fingers. Junmyeon felt himself tense up as Sehun touched him. In reality, it was nothing new. But then again, every day with Sehun felt new. Junmyeon would still feel giddy whenever Sehun walked in the room. That boy still had the ability to give Junmyeon butterflies in his stomach, not only from his perfection, but just his existence. Junmyeon seriously loved Sehun.

    

“Do you like this song?” Sehun asked as he brushed a hand through Junmyeon’s soft, cocoa hair. Junmyeon nodded.

    

“I like all your songs, Hunnie.”

    

Sehun chuckled. “ _Hunnie?”_

“Yes, _Hunnie_.”

“Alright. I’ll just call you _Myeonnie_ then.”

    

“Okay, Hunnie.”

    

“Okay, Myeonnie.”

    

The two just swayed to the soft music together. Sehun kept his hands close to Junmyeon’s face, while the older kept his on Sehun’s forearms. Once the previous song was over, a harmonious, but somewhat somber, chorus came over the speakers. There was no real music in the background. Just voices.

    

_Tonight the apple falls in time, we’ll sing along to Auld Lang Syne, and throw confetti high up into space._

Junmyeon then realized, with each song that Sehun showed, the next would top the last in the favorites department. But this one was special, for it was most definitely more beautiful and ethereal than the others.

    

Sehun checked the time on his phone. “It’s eleven-fifty-nine.” Junmyeon glanced at the screen himself. The two watched, waiting for it to turn twelve. They waited. And waited. And waited.

    

Twelve _._

_We could be kings of the world._

At first, Sehun just pulled Junmyeon’s face closer to his. He didn’t kiss him, though. He just kept close. So close that Sehun could feel Junmyeon’s warm breath slowly escaping his lips. Their foreheads lightly touched. As Sehun brushed his thumb against Junmyeon’s temple, he pushed in lips onto Junmyeon’s. This kiss was different from the others they had. It felt more real. Like they were saying all the things they needed to say in that kiss. Sehun was saying all the heartfelt, important, sensitive things. Junmyeon was just saying, _you turned me against my fear. You made me weaker, and stronger at the same time. Only you could do that._

“You…” Junmyeon trailed on, his mouth still centimeters from Sehun’s. “...should play _Kiss You._ ”

    

Sehun laughed. He let his head fall into the crook of Junmyeon’s shoulder and neck.

    

_Kiss the past away, like new year’s day._

“I’m kidding. I like this song.”

    

Sehun stared at Junmyeon with the same look he had given him many times before. That look where he’d have a glistening in his eyes, eyebrows relaxed, mouth curved in a small smile. Junmyeon loved when Sehun looked at him like that. It was perfect.

    

“Me too,” Sehun whispered. “Happy New Year, Myeonnie. Spend this entire year with me, okay? Valentine’s day, our birthdays, summer, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. All of it. Okay?”

    

Junmyeon nodded. “Okay, Hunnie.”

 

* * *

 

 **“THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA,”** Junmyeon told Sehun as they both let themselves lazily fall onto Junmyeon’s twin bed. It was only wide enough for Sehun’s entire body to fit, Junmyeon having to curl up in the younger’s side. The two didn’t care, though.

    

“You said your dad was working tonight. We’ll be fine,” Sehun reassured as he pulled Junmyeon closer. Junmyeon loved it when him and Sehun were like this—it made him feel like he truly belonged to Sehun. Like nobody could take him away from him.

    

The two lay in silence, nothing but their slow breathing was to be heard. Sehun slowly stroked Junmyeon’s hair as he rested on Sehun’s chest.

    

“Are you feeling okay?” Sehun asked once minutes of pure quiet passed. He wanted to make sure nothing bad had happened between Junmyeon and his father recently.

    

“Yeah. It’s just never this quiet,” Junmyeon replied. He looked up at Sehun, who had been staring at their legs ahead of them. He placed a kiss on Sehun’s cheek, causing the boy to grin. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how beautiful you are.”

    

Sehun sat up more, Junmyeon doing the same. “ _You’re_ the beautiful one here.”

    

“You’re right. I’m beautiful, but you’re perfect.”

    

Another kiss on the cheek. Junmyeon placed a hand on the side of Sehun’s face, gently caressing his smooth skin. He started staring at the younger’s lips. _Perfect._ He softly kissed them.

    

Junmyeon grinned, shutting his eyes. Sehun giggled at the boy’s shyness, then pulling Junmyeon even closer to Sehun. “You’re cute, Jun.”

    

“Hunnie, just play some music, okay? I’m distracting you,” Junmyeon said as he brushed his hand up and down the side of Sehun’s torso. The younger rolled his eyes and grabbed his phone, searching for a good song to play.

    

_In Too Deep, Lost Frequencies._

Sehun placed his hands on the small of Junmyeon's back, pulling his body closer. A rush of adrenaline ran through both of their bodies, a rush so strong that their hearts started to pound. Junmyeon couldn't get himself to catch his breath, and Sehun noticed.

    

Sehun lifted his head and leaned over Junmyeon to kiss him. On that tiny bed, they couldn’t do anything but just be _close._ They both liked that.

    

_I will try to let you go if we get in too deep._

    

Sehun couldn’t help but feel deja vu from the night Junmyeon and Sehun were just there, together, wrapped in each other’s arms as their lips moved in synch with one another. How they seemed to have held hands all eight hours of their slumber. How they both seemed to fall into the deepest pit of love that could have existed.

    

As their lips moved with one another's, Junmyeon brought his hands down to Sehun's hips. With that, he pulled Sehun’s red long-sleeve shirt over his head. Then, Junmyeon realized that he was even more perfect. His body was skinny, but not too skinny. He looked healthy. Junmyeon knew that if he were to take his shirt off, Sehun would freak out, because Junmyeon was _too_ skinny. The bad kind of skinny.

    

The younger ran his hands through Junmyeon's hair, eventually placing his kisses along Junmyeon's jawline and down his neck. Sehun noticed the stillness that was Junmyeon's body, detaching his lips from the boy's skin. He looked at Junmyeon longingly.

    

“What is it?” Sehun asked.

    

Junmyeon inhaled a sharp breath as he looked towards the door. Sehun saw tears forming in his eyes. Junmyeon looked terrorized, like he just saw a ghost pass right before him. But when Sehun turned his head, it was worse than a ghost.

    

Junmyeon’s father slammed the door so hard, Sehun was surprised it didn’t just fall off its hinges. Sehun sat up, his body detaching from Junmyeon’s. He watched as the older just lay there startled.

    

“Jun—”

    

“You should go. Just leave, please.” Junmyeon’s voice cracked as he spoke. But Sehun didn’t want to leave—he wanted to stay and comfort Junmyeon. He didn’t want to let his father hurt him. He wanted to protect him, like he promised.

    

“Just let me stay, okay?” Sehun reached for Junmyeon’s hand.

    

“If you stay, he’ll hurt you too. Please, just go.”

    

Sehun quickly put his shirt back on then searched the room for his sneakers. Junmyeon stayed in the bed, frozen.

    

He opened the window, the room suddenly filling with cold air. Sehun shivered as he maneuvered his way out the window. Junmyeon didn’t watch. He just tried not to cry. But the second he heard those hard footsteps making their way up the wooden stairs and towards Junmyeon’s room, he let them fall.

    

“I’ll give you five seconds to explain,” Junmyeon’s father instructed sternly, his words slurring slightly. He was drinking—but was he _not?_

    

Junmyeon panicked to think of an easier way to say, _yeah, I’m gay._

Five seconds goes by fast.

    

A slap at his head.

    

Another tear fell.

   

“Why the hell were you making out with another guy? Huh?” His father grabbed his arm harshly, pulling him up on his feet. Junmyeon didn’t look at the man. He would break.

    

His father pushed Junmyeon to the ground. A shooting pain ran up the boy’s spine as he let out a cry of agony. His head still hurt from the whack he took, soreness pulsing through his skull.

    

“If I catch you again, you’re done.” A kick in his stomach.

    

Junmyeon cried. He lay on the ground, his face covered in his tears. He wanted to disappear, or at least disappear to a better place. But the only ‘better place” he could think of was Sehun’s arms.

    

But finally, Junmyeon felt right for once in his life. This was exactly why he told himself to stay afraid. Stay scared to be in love. Stay out of Sehun’s life. Just try not to give in.

    

But, Junmyeon did. He faced his fear. And he ended up getting hurt because of it—just like he knew.

    

* * *

 

 **IT DIDN'T OCCUR THAT OFTEN** for Chanyeol and Jongin to join Sehun at his house to hang out, and it didn't definitely occur often for them to show up at three in the morning. Sehun was half asleep when he woke up to thirty missed calls from Chanyeol and almost seventy messages from Jongin.

    

When Sehun opened the door, he saw Jongin and only Jongin. But the Jongin he had been looking at looked nothing like the guy he knew. His face was ghostly. It frightened Sehun. He looked more than in shock—he looked terrorized.

"Sehun," he choked. Sehun could tell something was really wrong, so he stepped out on the porch. He was freezing in his sweatshirt and basketball shorts, but he could tell this was important.

    

You've been smarter than any of us. Smarter than me, Yixing, Chanyeol. And we need you really bad right now. Before I lose my mind," Jongin rambled as tears filled his eyes. Sehun felt the nerves in his stomach do somersaults. He looked out behind Jongin, where Chanyeol had been sitting up in the backseat. Sehun started to worry.

    

"Jongin...what's going on?"

    

The older broke down in tears. Sehun didn't know what to do—he didn't even know what was happening.

    

Jongin inhaled a stifled breath. "We were just out, and then it just happened."

    

Sehun stepped closer to Jongin. "What happened?" he asked in monotone.

    

"Yixing," Jongin heaved. "He got shot. And he's basically dying in his car."

    

Sehun froze. He felt like crying. Hell, he felt like dying. He didn't know how to react or what to say. What was he supposed to say? Sorry? Is he okay? Of course he wasn't okay. He was dying for fucks sake.

    

Instead of speaking, Sehun bolted to the black Audi. Jongin eventually followed.

    

Dying wasn't an accurate adjective to describe what Yixing had been enduring, only because Sehun was pretty sure he was already dead. The bullet seemed to go through his lower-right abdomen. Thankfully, Sehun couldn't see the blood seeping from his body because of the darkness of the night. Yixing's face, however, seemed rather calm. His eyes were slightly opened, but the color in his face seemed to have vanished. Chanyeol was holding up his shoulders, making sure he stayed breathing. Chanyeol had a face redder than the blood that stained Yixing's shirt. He had been sobbing like no tomorrow, it slightly scared Sehun.

    

"Why haven't you called 911? Goddammit," Sehun shouted as he walked around to the back seat doors. He took off his sweatshirt, exposing his body to the freezing temperatures. He pressed the sweatshirt against Yixing's wound. "Pressure will help, but we need an ambulance."

    

"We can't call an ambulance! Because they're going to ask how and why Yixing got shot. And that's when we have to tell them that he was trying to do a drug deal but got in a predicament too deep to prevent. So no, we're not calling an ambulance," Chanyeol shouted at Sehun. Jongin opened the door to where Jongin had been sitting. He forced Chanyeol to get out, then taking over the job of helping Yixing.

    

"Jun, listen to me. You stay alive, you get caught, you get put in prison. I'll try to keep you alive, but only if that's what you want." Yixing breathed in deeply. His breath was shaky and sharp. He started to wave his hand, motioning for Sehun to come closer to him.

    

Sehun ran around to the other side of the car where Chanyeol had been helping. Yixing continued to wave his hand. Sehun moved closer.

    

"Jongin, come here," Yixing added. The four were now close together, watching as Yixing fought to stay alive.

    

"Please, all I ask is that you get yourselves out of this. Look at Sehyeon—that could and probably will be you soon enough. It's not worth it. Graduate. Go to college. Live a good life. Or else, you'll end up where I am. Promise?"

    

Yixing slowly exhaled. Jongin started sobbing. Sehun didn't realize it, but his face was covered in tears.

    

"We promise," Chanyeol whispered before letting out a deep cry. Silence enveloped the four as Yixing kept trying to breathe.

    

"We're all gonna die, boys. Dying just proves that you've been living. It's gonna be okay," Yixing told the three. Jongin cuffed his arm around Sehun's as Chanyeol stepped out of the car. He slowly rested Yixing's head on the end of the car seat. Sehun stepped back as he watched Yixing slowly close his eyes.

 

*

 

Sehun just lay awake that night. All five hours he had left where he should have been sleeping. He tried to think of why and how this would happen. He knew it was because of the trouble he had constantly been causing, but the things Yixing did—he did them professionally. He was like that. He knew better. But once he got as deep as he did into that realm, there was way of getting out.

    

He was still crying. Sehun was sad, of course. No more bright smiles. No one to support Sehun and his relationship. No more Yixing.

    

All Sehun could wish for that night was for Chanyeol and Jongin to truly listen to Yixing and take his advice. They could have potential, but only if they got themselves out of the partying and drug dealing and robbing.

    

All Sehun wanted in those five agonizing hours was for Yixing to be alive and for Junmyeon to love him again. Yixing was something he couldn't help. He chose to die. He chose to be at peace and in heaven, not at conflict and in prison.

    

And quite frankly, it felt as if Sehun wouldn't be able to fix Junmyeon either. From how he sounded when forcing Sehun to leave, Junmyeon definitely didn't want to be near Sehun anytime soon. Sehun didn't realize it until five-forty-seven that morning that he was pretty much hurting Junmyeon. Without him, they wouldn't have been caught. And Junmyeon's father wouldn't be so much more angry with his son. Things would just be better.

    

But Sehun couldn't possibly heal without Junmyeon. That boy was his catalyst. But would it be worth it if it were to hurt Junmyeon even more?

    

Sehun didn't know. But he did know that he still loved Junmyeon, and he still loved Yixing.

 

* * *

 

 **THE ONLY THING SEHUN WANTED** that dark night was closure. Closure for why Yixing was dead. Closure for who did this to him. And not only that, but closure for if Junmyeon ever wanted to see Sehun again.

    

It had been multiple days since Sehun had to watch Yixing die. And each day went by slower and slower. The image kept creeping back into his mind at the worst times—most of those times were in his sleep. He’d wake up drenched in sweat, the moment where Yixing was shot would play in his head. It was terrifying.

    

He hadn’t talked to Junmyeon since the day they were caught. That seemed to have been killing Sehun the most.

    

He knew showing up at Junmyeon’s window this late at night could end badly, but not as bad as he would feel if he went any longer without seeing Junmyeon’s face. He needed to talk to someone about the situation.

    

Three soft knocks on the window was all it took. Junmyeon raised the blinds, revealing his somber face and messy room. He winced as he lifted the window.

    

They just looked at each other for a while, Junmyeon unsure of what to say, and Sehun unsure of how to address the situation.

    

“Can I come in?” Sehun asked quietly as he rested his hand on the pane of the window. Junmyeon simply nodded.

    

“Just whisper okay? My dad is home,” Junmyeon instructed as Sehun made himself comfortable in the tiny bedroom.

    

Sehun sat on the bed, Junmyeon doing the same. Junmyeon could tell something was off, for Sehun almost never acted this way around him. He could even see tears slightly forming in his eyes.

    

“What’s going on?” Junmyeon asked as he placed a hand over Sehun’s. The younger stayed quiet for a while.

    

“Yixing, he…” Sehun started, staring at the ground. “He died a few days ago. He was shot while in a fight or something, and it’s just been so difficult. I had to watch him die. And now I always picture the moment he was shot. He was a good person. He didn’t deserve that.”

    

Junmyeon pulled Sehun closer in his arms once Sehun let a tear fall down his face. Junmyeon lifted his head so he wouldn’t have to watch Sehun cry. He had never seen the boy cry—he didn’t want to start now.

 

“I’m sorry, Sehun. You didn’t deserve to see him die, either.” Junmyeon tightly held his hand. Sehun wasn’t really crying anymore. His breathing stayed normal, just the tears falling down his face representing the mourning he had been enduring.

    

As Sehun rested his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder and leaned into his side, he finally felt the closure he had been searching for. Junmyeon still accepted him. He still cared for him. It was okay. _They_ were okay.

    

But Junmyeon didn’t seem as okay as Sehun had wished.

    

“Are you alright?” Sehun asked as he wiped a tear from his face. Junmyeon breathed in deeply.

    

“I guess, yeah. It was hard not seeing you all these days,” Junmyeon explained quietly. Sehun looked at Junmyeon’s hand. He wasn’t wearing the bracelet. He felt himself hurt even more.

    

He brushed his fingers over Junmyeon’s wrist. Another tear fell. Instead of speaking of it, Sehun just laced his fingers between Junmyeon’s and gripped his hand.

    

And they sat there. Peacefully with one another again. Close and holding hands. Just what they both had wanted. But as always, good things come to an end.

    

"You," the door swung open, a cold breeze entering the room along with the drunken self of Junmyeon's father. His eyes were sunken, probably caused by the intake of the beer he held in his hand. "I told you if you did this again, you’d be done." His words slurred as he shouted at his son. Sehun sat up, keeping a blank expression. Junmyeon was the same. His face was bland, so much you couldn't tell what emotions he had been feeling. His eyes wide, pulling back tears. mouth in a straight line, eyebrows relaxed.

    

Sehun held Junmyeon’s hand so tight, the skin covering his knuckles turned a ghostly white. The older felt real pain as his hand started to turn red.

    

Junmyeon looked down towards Sehun's direction. "Go," Junmyeon whispered. "Save yourself."

    

Junmyeon’s father must have heard that statement, because the second Sehun began to stand up, the man across the room stormed towards his direction and took a sharp swing at Sehun's jaw. The force pushed him into the wall, hitting his head once again. He winced in pain and slouched over.

    

"Ha, you're even worse. You're the one who turned my son into a homo, right? Like he's even my son." The man set his beer on the desk in the room before pinning Sehun to the ground. He continued to take sharp blows at Sehun’s face, blood eventually dripping from his temple and out his nose. Once he was done with Sehun’s face, he started punching the boy in his stomach. With each swing, Sehun let out groans of agony.

    

Junmyeon stood up, his expression now angry.

    

"You can hurt me, but you can’t hurt him." Junmyeon clenched his fists at his sides. His father turned around to see where Junmyeon had been standing. The stare Junmyeon got from his father put the boy in a transfixed position. He immediately regretted what he had said. Junmyeon braced himself for what his dad was about to do to him.

    

The man pushed Junmyeon to the ground, his head knocking against the ground with force. Junmyeon had expected him to just take constant swings at his face, but instead, the adult grabbed his beer from the desktop. Before Junmyeon could take a breath, the beer bottle that was less than half full was smashed against the skin of the boy’s collarbone, the glass cutting into his flesh. He let out a sharp noise of pain, feeling the blood starting to seep from his neck area. He couldn't help but let tears fall as the stinging throbbed in his arm.

    

"Scum." The older man kicked his son, walking back towards the doorway. "I want you gone by morning."

    

The man the door shut as he exited the bedroom. Silence was all that occupied the ears of the two lovers as their breathing became slower and their hearts beat softer. Sehun managed to let out small noises of pain, but could barely move towards Junmyeon to make sure he was okay. As much as he wanted to hold Junmyeon and comfort him, he could barely stay awake.

    

The pain on Junmyeon’s arm was one thing, but the pain he felt as he realized how truly lonely he was was too immense to comprehend. He began to feel numb.

    

Junmyeon stumbled as he stood up. He walked to where Sehun had been laying. Seeing Sehun in that state put an uneasy feeling in Junmyeon’s stomach. He didn’t feel sad, and he didn’t feel pity. He felt angry. Furious, even. Mad that his own father—his own blood—had done this to the one person he loved most. Sehun hadn’t ever looked this lifeless to Junmyeon. He was always full of color and joy. He was always full of life. But now, he looked empty.

    

“You will stay with me, Jun,” Sehun trailed on. His voice was quiet and dry. It scared Junmyeon.

    

“I can’t do that. You’ve done enough for me.” Junmyeon lightly touched the clean areas of Sehun’s face.

    

“Can…can you drive us…please,” Sehun breathed. Junmyeon just nodded. He barely knew how to drive—not since he failed his first course of driving school. But Sehun couldn’t even keep his eyes open. Junmyeon moved his hands to where Sehun’s rested and held them tightly. Sehun didn’t squeeze back.

    

Junmyeon kissed Sehun’s forehead before he started to search his room for a bag of any sort. Once he succeeded, he began to throw random articles of clothing into the bag. All the while, the biting pain would shoot through his upper body as the cuts on his chest moved with his arm.

    

Once he had his bag filled with all he needed for the upcoming weeks, Junmyeon helped Sehun stand on his feet. The older made his way out the window before helping Sehun crawl out himself. The two then made their ways into Sehun’s car. Junmyeon situated Sehun in the front seat, buckling him in and taking the keys to the car out his pocket. Junmyeon then got into the driver’s seat and started the car.

    

“Jun, that isn’t enough. Just please stay with me,” Sehun begged as Junmyeon backed out of the driveway. “Where else will you go?”

    

“I’ll come back for more later. And I’ll find somewhere. Don’t worry about me, okay?”

    

"Junmyeon, I won't let you do this. I love you. I need you right now.” Junmyeon could sense a panic in Sehun’s voice. He set a hand on the boy’s arm, trying to calm him down.

    

As they made their way through the quiet streets and into Sehun’s neighborhood, Sehun would occasionally groan from the pain he had felt. Junmyeon, however, kept in the ache he had felt from the cuts on his neck and collarbone. As much as he tried to convince himself that the pain was subsiding, it just grew even worse.

    

Junmyeon pulled into the driveway of Sehun’s house, running to the front door before helping Sehun’s out of the car. He brought Dongchul out the the vehicle to help Sehun get on his feet once again.

    

“What the hell happened to him?” Sehun’s foster father exclaimed as he saw his beat-up son. Sehun began to sit up, Junmyeon grabbing the boy’s arm as he did so.

    

“He got beat up. He can barely walk,” Junmyeon replied. The two put Sehun’s arms around their shoulders. Junmyeon’s wound began to pulse shooting pains through his chest. He winced and gritted his teeth.

    

They lay Sehun on the couch in the living room, Junmyeon sitting next to where his head rested. He stroked Sehun’s hair, trying to make his pain diminish. The younger eventually peacefully closed his eyes.

    

Dongchul entered the room with a bottle of peroxide and some tissue. He kneeled before the couch, pouring the substance into the cloth and patting it where Sehun’s leisures were. He winced as the stinging ran through his head. He reached for Junmyeon’s hand.

    

“Stay, Junmyeon. You’re hurt too,” Sehun exhaled. Dongchul exchanged looks with Junmyeon, and then he noticed the cuts on his neck and shoulder.

    

“Junmyeon, your cuts could get infected. Here,” Dongchul said as he helped Sehun sit up. He poured some peroxide on a tissue, motioning for Junmyeon to lie down. He did so, pulling his shirt down and exposing his entire shoulder area. Dongchul pressed the cloth against the wounds. He felt the same misery as Sehun once the substance made contact with his open skin.

    

Once Dongchul was done cleaning up their wounds, the two made their way upstairs into Sehun’s room. The younger had gotten some energy back, for he was able to slowly but surely get up the stairs. But the pain in his stomach from the kicking he had to take was still hadn’t gone away.

    

Junmyeon and Sehun made themselves comfortable beneath the duvet, Junmyeon curled up close to Sehun’s side. He ignored his wounded shoulder, for he just wanted to be there with Sehun. He wanted to pretend like his father didn’t do this to them. He didn’t want to accept the fact that he won. He beat the both of them. As strong as their love was, they were defeated. He wanted to think that all wasn’t true.

    

The two froze in their places. Sehun had his eyes open. Junmyeon let out a deep and shaky breath. Sehun held his hand, waiting for another action from Junmyeon. But it was unexpected when he broke down into tears. The painful sounds of sobs brought tears to Sehun's own eyes as Junmyeon brought himself closer with Sehun.

    

Sehun softly stroked Junmyeon's back, hoping to calm him down.

    

“What am I gonna do, Sehun? I’m homeless now,” Junmyeon panicked. Sehun truly didn’t know what to say. As long as his foster parents knew they were in love, Junmyeon couldn’t spend any more nights with Sehun. And being on the streets would kill him. He had no money, just enough clothes to last him a week. He wouldn’t make it. Not without Sehun.

    

"I’ll be your home for now. I love you, okay?" Sehun reassured, wiping the tears from beneath Junmyeon's eyes. He bit his lip, looking up at Sehun.

    

"I think you're the only person who's ever told me that."

    

Sehun softly brushed his fingers through Junmyeon’s hair, exposing the boy’s ear. Sehun grabbed his phone from his pocket. He put an earbud in Junmyeon’s ear, then placing one in his own. He played _Over And Over Again_ by Nathan Sykes.

    

Junmyeon enjoyed being there with Sehun as the two listened to the music in their ears. The man singing had a deep and smooth voice, which went perfectly with the moderate piano melody in the background.

    

_Just put your heart in my hands, I promise it won’t get broken._

“Sehun,” Junmyeon spoke. The younger opened his eyes more, for he had begun to fall asleep. “What’s your favorite song? Of all time, I mean.”

    

Sehun softly brushed his thumb against Junmyeon’s cheek. He wasn’t smiling, but he also wasn’t frowning. He just looked empty, like Junmyeon’s father had knocked all the emotion he had out of him.

    

“Go to sleep, Jun.”

    

_I’ll love you over and over again._

 

* * *

 

 **IT WAS EASY TO SAY** that that week had been the longest in Junmyeon’s entire life. School was difficult, as usual. But trying to figure out exactly what he was gonna do with his living situation was a whole other issue.

    

After explaining to Eunmi and Dongchul what happened to him and Sehun, they were jumping at every opportunity for them to find a shelter or boy’s home for Junmyeon to stay in. With them being foster parents, they seemed to know every detail about abusive homes and runaways. Trying to get Junmyeon into a shelter seemed to be their number one priority. But Junmyeon didn’t want their help.

    

It was Junmyeon’s fifth night of either sleeping on the streets or crashing with complete strangers. He had told Sehun that he found an old friend to stay with, just so him and his family wouldn’t worry about Junmyeon so much.

    

With that, Junmyeon tried to avoid Sehun as much as he could. They’d occasionally see each other around school, but most of the time, Junmyeon missed holding Sehun’s hand and kissing his soft lips. But Junmyeon knew if he spent too much time around Sehun and his family, they’d just nark on him even more.

    

As much as Junmyeon tried to forget about everything that has happened since his father hit him again, Every time he would touch his wrist, or even look at it, it felt empty. He didn’t feel complete without Sehun’s bracelet. He needed to know that no matter what would happen, Junmyeon would always carry that piece of Sehun with him. Along with that, he was running on only one bottle of water and wearing the same jacket and pants every day.

 

So he walked all the way to his house in the freezing temperatures. It was well past midnight, and the night had been alive with groups of friends, mostly of an older age, either clubbing or bar-hopping. Things calmed down once he got to the neighborhood of his house.

    

The house was dark inside, which made Junmyeon feel better. That meant his father was most likely fast asleep.

    

Junmyeon quietly snuck through his bedroom window like he always did. Inside, his room looked the same way he had left it. Shards of glass on the floor. Blankets and clothes trashed everywhere.

    

Junmyeon began to pack another bag with the remainder of his clothing and other necessities, along with searching his room for the bracelet. As each minute passed where he hadn’t found it, he grew more and more irritated. He retraced his steps the night he took it off.

    

Sehun left through the window. Junmyeon was upset. He took off the bracelet. He threw it. And that was that.

    

He continued throwing the clothes laying on the ground out of his way as he tried to find the jewelry. He felt like screaming, or maybe even crying. Sehun had given him this important piece of him to Junmyeon, and he let it completely vanish.

    

Junmyeon checked one last time in the bathroom across the hall. Opening drawers and checking the cupboard must have caused too much noise, for he could hear footsteps making their way down the hall and closer to the bathroom.

    

“I thought I told you to leave,” Junmyeon’s father said sternly as he opened the door to the bathroom. The words that came out of his mouth seemed to petrify Junmyeon as he slowly shut the final drawer he had searched.

    

Junmyeon swallowed hard, still not responding. He simply walked past his father and into his bedroom again. But he couldn’t make it all the way inside, for his dad grabbed his jacket collar and pulled him back, then pushing the boy against the wall next to the doorframe.

    

“I’ll hit you again. Just because you can’t seem to stay away from here, it seems you just want one more scar, one more reminder. A reminder of what I’ve been through since that July ten years ago.” Junmyeon’s father kept his hand around the boy’s neck, the air in his lungs becoming trapped. He could barely breathe, but he managed to give his two cents.

    

“Mom left because of you. And you haven’t been through shit,” Junmyeon retorted through a sharp breath. The grip on his neck became stronger the more Junmyeon spoke. “You’ve treated me like garbage. Because you’re disgusting.”

    

The man clubbed Junmyeon in the jaw after that statement, which was inevitable. But Junmyeon didn’t let him go any farther. He strongly gripped his dad’s wrist as Junmyeon took a forceful kick at the man’s torso. The push caused his father’s body to slam against the other side of the wall, then fall to the ground. The weight of his body leaning over the stairs caused his body to tumble down the steps. The sound seemed to shake the whole house. Junmyeon breathed in deeply as he felt the air in his lungs completely evaporate.

    

Junmyeon didn’t look. He promised himself that, because he knew that when he did, he would completely lose his ability to breathe at all.

    

He looked in the bathroom again for the bracelet. He couldn’t find it. Still.

    

He stepped back into his bedroom, but he didn’t leave. He just rested his body against the wall and thought. But then again, he had no clue what to think. This was his fault. This was all his own fault.

    

Junmyeon looked past the doorframe to the bottom of the stairs. The sight of his father’s lifeless body put an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He felt the need to vomit when he saw the blood pouring from the man’s head.

    

Junmyeon couldn’t think of what to do except to run. But he’d have to run without Sehun’s bracelet. And he’d have to run alone. He couldn’t possibly make it by himself. He was clueless. He felt helpless. It was impossible.

    

He ran out the window. And he ran to Sehun’s house. He ran faster than he had ever ran before. As he sprinted down the streets, he called Sehun several times and sent him nearly a hundred texts. All the while, tears ran down his cheeks and his throat became drier and started to burn. He couldn’t think about what he had done—he already felt sick enough. And knowing that he had no choice to drag Sehun into it all made him feel even worse.

 

* * *

 

 **SEHUN FOUND HIMSELF WAKING UP** to the same constant vibration of his phone on his nightstand, a lot like the night Jongin showed up at his door with a dying Yixing with him. As Sehun checked the time, he felt a solemn wave of nostalgia overcome him as he remembered the night Yixing died in his own driveway. Just by the earliness and eighty-three messages from Junmyeon, Sehun knew this situation couldn’t be anything good.

    

Along with texts came voicemails. Sehun didn’t want to listen to them. He didn’t want to hear Junmyeon either cry or panic—he had heard enough of that. But the way Junmyeon spoke over the speaker was much worse than crying or panicking.

    

"Sehun, please answer me. I need you, I need you, god, I really need you," Junmyeon's panting voice spoke on the voicemail, only one of several that had yet to be heard by Sehun. The nerves in his stomach started to lose control, causing him to suddenly feel queasy. Luckily enough, the messages and voicemails had only been from three minutes ago. Junmyeon couldn't have gone far within three minutes.

    

He immediately texted Junmyeon back.

**What’s going on? where are you? text me back!!!!**

    

It took about a millisecond for Junmyeon to reply.

**just come outside**

    

Sehun searched his messy room for a somewhat-clean t-shirt, eventually finding a blue long sleeve shirt he had worn only a few days before. He quickly but quietly made his way down the steps, shuffling through the house and out the side door in the garage.

    

The freezing concrete felt numbing beneath Sehun's feet. Once he saw the tear-stained face of Junmyeon, he couldn't help but feel horrible.

    

"Jun, what's the matter?" Sehun walked quickly towards Junmyeon, immediately taking the older's body into his arms. Junmyeon sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Sehun maneuvered his arms to muffle Junmyeon's cries. The older had been breathing in and out rather quickly. The patterns of his breaths started to worry Sehun.

    

"Talk to me, please. I'm here, okay?”

    

He cried harder. "It's not okay, my god, it’s never gonna be okay." Junmyeon struggled to escape Sehun's arms, until the younger let him go. Junmyeon faced away from Sehun, burying his face in his hands. He kneeled onto the concrete. Sehun watched and felt his heart shatter.

    

“Come inside, it’s too cold out here.” Sehun helped Junmyeon stand. Junmyeon covered his face with one hand, the other hooked through Sehun’s arm. He tried to stop his crying the closer they got to the house. Inside, Sehun led Junmyeon to the couch in the living space. Junmyeon just sat and let his head collapse into his hands.

    

Sehun didn’t say anything, but instead, just lay on the sofa while Junmyeon rested on top of him and cried. The older would occasionally mumble phrases, but his sobbing made it so Sehun couldn’t make out his words. He didn’t really want to know what was troubling Junmyeon—his heart had already been breaking just seeing him so sad. He wanted to heal Junmyeon of all the pain he had been feeling, but he knew he couldn’t. It was too much for him to take care of.

    

An hour went by of Sehun just stroking Junmyeon’s hair and trying to get him to calm down. It eventually worked after almost three hours. Junmyeon had stopped his bawling.

    

But he wouldn’t even look at Sehun. He just stared at the ground before him. Sehun continued to try getting it out of him—what he had done—but after several minutes of coaxing, Sehun understood that Junmyeon just wouldn’t talk.

    

“You need to rest,” Sehun told Junmyeon. It was two o’clock now. He thought if Junmyeon would just sleep, he’d feel better in the morning, or he’d at least stop his weeping.

    

The two walked up the steps and into Sehun’s room. Sehun turned on the lamp, but kept the ceiling light off. Junmyeon took off his jacket and sat down on the end of the bed. Sehun took a seat next to him.

    

“I don’t know what’s going on, but just remember that I love you. And I’m always here. I’m not going anywhere. Okay?” Sehun told Junmyeon as he tightly held the older’s hand. Junmyeon nodded slowly. Sehun kissed his forehead. “Let’s get some sleep, okay? We’ll talk in the morning.”

    

The two settled beneath the covers, Sehun wrapping his arms around Junmyeon from behind. The older cradled himself in a comfortable position before closing his eyes.

    

“Sehun,” Junmyeon whispered. “Will you play some music?”

    

Sehun played some music.

    

He turned on one of his favorite songs— _Saturn_ by _Sleeping At Last._

Soft, slow strings started out the song. It sounded rather depressing, which just weighed on Junmyeon even more.

    

As the instrumental music played, Sehun would plant soft and slow kisses on Junmyeon’s neck and shoulders—the same shoulder that had been cut up and scabbing from the hit he took from his dad’s beer bottle. The area was still sensitive, but the scabs beginning to form made the leisures less sore to the touch.

    

_You taught me the courage of stars._

Sehun intertwined his fingers with Junmyeon’s. He squeezed the older’s hand. “Don’t forget that you have me. I’m here.” A kiss on Junmyeon’s neck.

    

_How light carries on endlessly._

Junmyeon felt tears coming back. “But…” he trailed on, his voice timid and quiet. Sehun brushed the older’s forearm and waited for Junmyeon to continue. “I don’t really know if you have _me._ ”

    

Sehun didn’t know what he meant.

    

“Of course I have you,” he reassured. Junmyeon wiped his face as a tear fell. He couldn’t stop replaying what he had just done. He couldn’t stop imagining what would happen to him if he got caught. All the possibilities horrified him to where he just couldn’t stop crying.

    

Sehun pulled gently on Junmyeon’s shoulder, motioning for the boy to turn around. Junmyeon slowly rolled over, showing Sehun his face once again. It had red patches all over from trying to hold in his tears. Sehun wiped the boy’s cheeks and combed his hair back.

    

_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist._

    

“Junmyeon,” Sehun started before pausing to look at his face. “I could help you if you’d just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on, you know?”

    

Junmyeon shook his head as another tear fell. He turned away from Sehun. “Just let me sleep.”

    

Sehun watched as Junmyeon settled back in his original position. He let out a deep breath, his shoulders relaxing as he did so. Sehun felt himself break even more.

    

_I’d give anything to hear you say it one more time, that the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes._

“I love you, Junmyeon. So much.”

    

* * *

 

 **JUNMYEON LOOKED LIFELESS AS HE** stared at his image in the mirror. Sehun had his hands on the older's shoulders, looking down at his scalp. His hair was messy and unbrushed. Sehun combed through it as Junmyeon made himself more comfortable in the chair.   
 

"Are you ready?" Sehun asked as he gently combed Junmyeon's hair. The boy nodded slowly. Then Sehun went to work.  
    

As the younger covered every strand of Junmyeon's hair with the light dye, he felt himself begin to feel worse and worse. There was something truly wrong with Junmyeon now. After a long day of silence from Junmyeon, other than telling Sehun what he needed, the younger knew Junmyeon was running away. A train ticket. Money. Bleach. He was leaving, and he was going far away.

Once Junmyeon's hair was halfway done, he reached for Sehun's phone on the surface of the sink. He turned on _Save Myself_ by Ed Sheeran.   
    

Sehun felt his heart fall deeper and deeper into his stomach. What hurt him most was that Junmyeon was barely speaking to him. He wanted to know if he himself was the reason why Junmyeon was taking off—it was after the incident with his father that the older had started acting off. Sehun was convinced this was his own fault.  
    

Junmyeon looked pressed once the majority of his hair was platinum blonde. It didn't look like Junmyeon sitting there in front of the mirror.   
    

Sehun stepped out of the bathroom once he finished covering the boy's hair with the bleach. Junmyeon followed hesitantly. He sat himself in the chair that sat before a wooden desk. Silence occupied the two.  
    

Sehun wanted to hold Junmyeon for as long as possible. He wanted to kiss him just because he didn't know when they'd be able to kiss again. He wanted to feel Junmyeon's fragile fingers between his own. And he just wanted to know why. Why Junmyeon was being so distant. Not only that, but why he was doing this. Why he was abandoning Sehun.  
    

"I think you have to wash your hair now," Sehun told Junmyeon after several minutes of white noise. Junmyeon nodded and made his way back into the bathroom. Sehun let out a deep sigh when the shower began to run.

 

*

 

Junmyeon was in the shower for nearly an hour. Sehun had almost drifted off to sleep, but then he remembered that he would have to leave in just a few hours. Which also meant that was only a few hours left with Junmyeon.   
    

Junmyeon lay himself next to Sehun. The drowsy younger almost didn't recognize him, for he was now light-haired. Sehun knew he would never get used to it.   
    

There was even more silence. The only words being spoken were in their heads—Junmyeon saying, I'm sorry, I'm such a mess, I'm so sorry. Sehun saying, how dare you. Don't leave me. I told you not to leave me.   
    

But instead of saying the words Junmyeon had been repeating in his head, he said, "I love you."  
   

Sehun turned towards the older. He gave a small smile—a fake one, that is. Junmyeon intertwined his fingers with Sehun's, then placing a small kiss on his hand. Sehun couldn't look at Junmyeon anymore. He looked too broken. Too not Junmyeon. It bothered him.  
    

"I love you more." Sehun breathed in deeply and slowly. He truly felt the need to cry. But he managed to hold back his tears.   
    

"I'm really sorry, Sehun. I'll be okay," Junmyeon assured. He brushed his thumb against Sehun's cheekbone. The younger didn't respond.  
    

"Yeah, but I don't think I will."  
    

Junmyeon looked down at his lap, his hand slipping from Sehun's face to his chest. He could feel Sehun's slow but steady heartbeat.   
    

"I'm sorry."  
    

"For what?" Sehun sat up.   
    

"Even pushing myself into your life. You're so much better off without me," Junmyeon explained. He rested his head against Sehun's chest. He wasn't breathing at first. Then the slow and deep breaths came back once the younger closed his eyes.  
    "

You never showed me what your favorite song was," Junmyeon pointed out, looking up at Sehun's face. That was his cue to pull out the phone and headphones. Junmyeon smiled as Sehun did so.  
    

"Just listen, okay?" he instructed. Junmyeon nodded. They held hands, Sehun wrapping his unoccupied arm around Junmyeon's shoulders.  
    

It started with the rich and soothing voice of a female, along with ambient chords and sounds in the background.  
    

Sehun squeezed Junmyeon's fragile hand before planting soft kisses on his forehead.   
    

 _You told me this is right where it begins._ _  
_     

Sehun remembered the roof. The first day. Junmyeon sitting on edge, the cool breeze that blew through the air—all of it.   
    

 _And I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me._ _  
_

Junmyeon looked at Sehun deeply in his eyes, trying to figure out what the boy had been saying in his head. Junmyeon knew Sehun was upset. This was really sudden. Sehun was young. He had feelings too. Junmyeon wasn't the only one hurting here in this situation.  


_I'm trying not to let it show that I don't wanna let this go, is there somewhere you can meet me?_ _  
_     

Then, Junmyeon's thoughts drifted from Sehun to what things would be like without him. He wouldn't feel loved anymore. Overall, he'd be helpless. He'd have to find a way to put himself back to normal. He'd have to find a way to forget about Sehun, because if Junmyeon thought of him too much, he'd never get out of his sadness. He'd just miss Sehun too much.  


_I try to refrain, but you're stuck in my brain._ _  
_     

They kissed again. Sehun had one hand running through Junmyeon's blonde strands of hair, the other hand gripping the older's hip. Meanwhile, Junmyeon had felt his heart begin to beat faster and faster. As Sehun positioned himself completely above Junmyeon, their bodies touched, now both feeling each other's' heart beats in their chests, their lips moving in perfect synchronization all the while.   
    

 _I'm sorry, but I fell in love tonight._ _  
_     

Sehun's kisses moved from Junmyeon's mouth to his jaw, his hands moving from the boy's hair down to the sides of his torso. Junmyeon shifted himself beneath Sehun's body to make himself more comfortable. As much as Junmyeon wished he could be feeling the love he had always felt with Sehun, he just felt his guilt grow bigger and bigger.   
    

 _I didn't mean to fall in love tonight._ _  
_     

The younger detached his lips from Junmyeon's body as he gazed over the somber face before him. Junmyeon brushed his fingers over every square centimeter of Sehun's face—below his eyes, forehead, ears, lips. He felt the perfection beneath his skin and watched Sehun's eyes fill with tears. Eventually, his own did the exact same.   
    

 _You're looking like you fell in love tonight._   
    

And Sehun cried. He let his face fall straight into Junmyeon's shoulder, letting out quiet yet forceful sobs. The older felt his heart beat not only faster, but harder. He felt himself become nervous for some reason. Leaving to be on his own was scary enough, but letting Sehun feel this way because of Junmyeon himself—that was a pain nobody could deal with.   
    

"I'm sorry," Junmyeon said, his voice cracking as he tried to resist himself from crying.   
    

Sehun gripped tightly on the pillowcase beneath Junmyeon's head. His chest and fists tightened as he let out another cry. He couldn't help but feel mad. He was confused. He was upset. He was furious. He thought Junmyeon had loved him. If he loved Sehun, he wouldn't be leaving.   
    

"I hate you," Sehun cried. A tear fell down Junmyeon's face as he stroked the younger's pitch-black hair, then wrapping his other arm around Sehun's torso, holding him tight.  
    

"I hate me too."   
   

_Could we pretend that we're in love?_

* * *

 

 

 **SEHUN DIDN'T EVEN SAY GOODBYE** when Junmyeon had to leave the car. He didn't want to have to accept the fact that this was truly happening. He had tried to pinch himself several times to convince himself that this was a dream—a really bad dream—but that just resulted in a stinging in his arm and even more sadness growing inside.   
    

The night sky had been clear and filled with specks of stars. The sight had the ability to clear Sehun's mind, but only until Junmyeon was getting ready to enter the train station.   
    

"I should go by myself," Junmyeon suggested as he looked at his lap. His light hair fell softly over his face, hiding his youthful but somber eyes.   
  

Sehun handed Junmyeon the train ticket. The older grabbed it, then grasping Sehun's hand. The feeling made Sehun think that maybe Junmyeon truly meant it whenever he'd say _I'm sorry_ or _I love you._   
    

"Things will turn out okay. I promise." Junmyeon threaded his fingers between Sehun's, causing the boy to turn his head. Sehun felt his heart skip a beat as he stared into Junmyeon's appearance. It was truly beautiful. It was beyond anything he could comprehend. And as he realized this would be the last time he would be able to see such a visual, tears began to brim at his eyes.   
    

"Okay," Sehun replied. He didn't say anything else. Junmyeon rubbed his thumb over Sehun's hand. The perfect hand that he had held several times before then.

    

“I don’t hate you, Junmyeon.” A tear fell. Junmyeon smiled.

    

“I know.” Junmyeon leaned in towards Sehun, placing a soft kiss on the area between the younger’s ear and cheekbone. Junmyeon brushed away a tear as it began to fall down his soft face.

    

“Just don’t do anything stupid. Please,” Sehun begged, his voice sounding weaker. Junmyeon felt a lump forming in his chest. He couldn’t hold it back.

    

“I won’t,” he said. Then he had started crying. “I’m so sorry.” Junmyeon pulled Sehun into his arms, trying to control his tears and stop them from falling any more.

    

“Just promise me that I’ll see you again. Then I’ll let you go,” Sehun whispered as he placed a hand on Junmyeon’s cheek. The older nodded as a small smile grew upon his face.

    

“When the time is right, I’ll see you. I promise.”

    

Junmyeon held Sehun’s hand tighter as he pressed his lips against the younger’s. He made sure he could feel the softness of Sehun’s mouth against his, for he didn’t know when he would feel that sensation again.

    

Junmyeon then pulled out the paper that had been sitting in the pocket of his jeans since earlier that night. The paper was slightly crumpled now, the _Sehun_ written on it smudged as well. He handed the letter to Sehun.

    

“Read it when you’re ready,” Junmyeon instructed. He kissed the side of Sehun’s face again as he examined the letter in his hands. Then he opened the car door.

    

“I love you,” Junmyeon told Sehun.

    

“I love you more.”

   

Then Junmyeon left. And Sehun cried. He rested his head on the steering wheel as his shoulders shook with each cry. He didn’t want to think about going a day without Junmyeon. He didn’t want to have to spend weeks without kissing or holding him. But he had to. And he hated that.

    

Sehun opened the folded papers, revealing Junmyeon’s messy and big handwriting.

   

_Sehun —_

_Remember in that letter you wrote me for Christmas how you just couldn’t say some things to my face? Those sensitive, heart-felt, important things? Well, now I know how you feel. There’s something that, as much as I want to, just couldn’t tell you to your face. I could never look into your perfect eyes and tell you what I’ve done, probably because you’d hate me. But you deserve to know._

_First of all, I lost your bracelet. I know. I hate myself too. I know it was special to you. It was your father’s. And trust me, I’ve been beating myself up enough about it. Maybe a little too much. By that, I mean that whenever my dad feels the need to take his anger out on me, I tell myself that I deserve it. I deserve the bruises and scars that I have because I’ve failed not only you, but my family. I wasn’t enough to protect my mother so she left me with my dad. I understand that I’m irresponsible and you probably won’t ever trust me again._

_But I tried looking for it. It gave me a constant reminder of you—a constant reminder that_ somebody _on this earth loves me. And just a reminder of you would put a smile on my face. I needed to get it back._

_I was looking for it at the wrong time and the wrong place. My father woke up as I was inspecting every square centimeter of the house for that damn bracelet. He was mad. He_ did _kick me out of the house. I wasn’t supposed to be there. So he got mad. He started choking me. I kicked him. He fell down the stairs. And he died. Because I killed him. He died because of_ me _. I killed him, I am a murderer._

_Now you can see why I never told you that to your face. Whenever I say those words in my head—_ I am a killer— _I just picture that look you have when your face turns white and you show no expression at all. It was the same look you had when your brother rejected seeing you. You also looked that way after my father beat you up. And when you told me Yixing had died._

_With that, I hope you’ll now understand why I’m doing what I’m doing. I have no choice. People get put on death row because of what I did. And if not, I don’t want to rot in prison for the rest of my life. But most of all, I don’t want you to have to think about another loved one of yours being in jail._

_Sehun, please don’t look for me. I know you’ll want to, because I just know you. So, please, don’t come after me. I will be okay. As long as I know that you are._

_You’ve taught me more to life than I could ever learn from anyone all these years. You taught me that it’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to get help. And it’s okay to love someone. There will always be hurt in your life, no matter what. You can’t help it._

_As much as I wish I was right about not wanting to be in love, my months with you have been the best months of my life. You have made me so happy. Whether it be you showing me your amazing library of music or kissing me with your perfect lips, you just make me happy. The number of times where I’ve wanted to just vanish into thin air. But since I met you, there’s been a reason to stay._ You. _I_ am _in love with you._

_But as I’m sitting here on your desk and writing this, I know that the truth is that I was right. I had a good reason to be afraid to love you, and I know that’s true because of what I feel right now. If I had killed my father and didn’t even know you, I would have no problem running away. But because I have you and I love you more than anything, it hurts like hell. Leaving you is the worst thing I could ever do. But, I need to save myself. And I know that’s what you’d want for me._

_I know you wanted to spend the year together, and I’m so sorry. I know how we could have give each other roses and chocolates and listen to_ How Would You Feel _and kiss on Valentine’s Day. Or how we could share a big birthday party since our birthdays are within a week of each other. How you could teach me how to swim in the summer. How you could take me to my first day of college. How I’d take you to your first day of your senior year. How we would give candy to kids together on Halloween, or more likely just end up eating the candy ourselves. We could be thankful for each other on Thanksgiving. And we could spend yet another Christmas together. Then we’d kiss on new year’s again the same way you kissed me this year —passionately and lovingly. If I can make it up to you someday, please let me. I want to do all those amazing things with you. Right now just isn’t the time._

_Thank you for giving me a whole world of music I didn’t know existed. I know that what you were trying to do by showing me all these songs was to communicate with me through these lyrics. But all the songs are now just memories. Now, if I ever listen to_ Robbers _, I’ll remember when you first held my hand. Or with_ How Would You Feel, _I’ll remember how your lips felt on mine the first time we kissed. I’ll remember when you continued to love me and hold me when listening to_ Saturn. _And I’ll remember you when listening to_ Is There Somewhere. _I’ll remember your perfect self. I’ll remember every memory we have ever shared. I’ll remember every reason how you made me face my fear of being in love. I’ll remember the most amazing human on our planet. I’ll remember you._

_I love you so much Sehun. I know I don’t say it to you enough. And I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I am really in love with you. As much as I wish it weren’t true, it is. Because you’re just perfect. Your outlook on life is better than anything I’ve ever seen. Just by looking at your face, you could be healed of all sadness. You could make anyone laugh within minutes. You can fix people, Sehun. I know that’s true because at first, I felt shattered. But you put me back together. Because you’re amazing. Because you’re you._

_I’m sorry if I’ve been a burden to you these past months. I’m sorry that I cried too much around you. It’s embarrassing. But when you’ve been broken inside for too long, it’s hard to act like everything’s okay._

_All I ask of you is that once you’re done reading this, you either hide this_ really _well or confiscate this completely. Nobody can find out that I am a killer. If they do, they’ll do what they do best and find me real quick. I can’t afford a lawyer. I can’t afford any of that stuff. And if you get caught helping a runaway, or knowing of a crime without stepping up, you’ll also be in a lot of trouble. So please, I think it’s just best that you forget me completely._

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I’m so sorry you ever had to get involved with me. I know I’m hard to handle. But just know you made me feel loved, which is something I’ve never felt before. Thank you so much for that. And thank you for helping me._

_Please don’t look for me. Focus on school. Focus on graduating. We’ll meet again when the time is right._

_I love you a lot._

_Yours always,_

_Junmyeon_

_P.S. You should forget about me. But don’t forget me._

 

* * *

 

_**two months later.** _

 

 **SEHUN HADN'T SEEN A DAY** like this in what felt like centuries.

    

Finally, he had felt his life start to resolve itself. He was able to forget about the year he had spent in rehab at only fourteen years old. He had forgotten about all the agonizing years being plucked from foster homes and dropped into new ones.

    

But that had all come back. As much as he didn't want to believe it, it was happening.

    

"You'll stay with the Byeon family for now. They don't have any males in that house, so there's no need to worry," Sehun's social worker explained. Eunmi and Dongchul nodded as they comprehended the situation. They looked rather sad. Sehun was angry.

    

"Okay. Thank you," Eunmi told as Sehun let out a sigh. She turned towards him with a longing expression. "I'm sorry, Sehun. This is just what we have to do."

    

He didn't say anything. He just went to his room—the room that was now packed clean of the belongings Sehun had left. That only included the picture with Yeseul and Sehyeon, along with the blue blanket he had been carrying with him all these years of being in and out of foster homes. Now, it was tattered and ripped in certain areas. He remembered crying into it the night him and Yeseul were separated. He remembered holding onto the blanket for dear life the night Sehyeon didn't come home. And there he was, holding it loosely, wishing he could have had it just stay in one house. One loving, comfortable, safe, and most importantly, permanent house.

    

His backpack had been filled to the brim with nothing but clothes. Other than his picture frame and blanket, he kept a notebook with him to keep himself occupied when settling into this new home.

    

He looked out the window where the black sky had clouds covering its stars, the trees in the backyard swaying with the calm breeze that occupied the air. Sehun wished his life could be as simple as the life outside of all the madness.

    

Sehun made his way back downstairs, his backpack hanging from his shoulders and the stairs creaking with each step. He wanted time to suddenly just stop so he wouldn't have to endure the awkward phase of settling into this new home. Even if it were loving and caring the way Eunmi and Dongchul are, he'd never really get used to it.

    

"All set?" the social worker asked once Sehun reached the bottom of the staircase. He nodded with the same bland expression on his face. Eunmi had walked towards the boy, then pulling him into a hug.

    

"This will be your last home. I can feel it," she whispered. Sehun swallowed hard, trying to keep back any emotion from showing. Whether it be tears or the anger he had felt inside, he didn't let it show.

    

"Goodbye, Sehun." Dongchul patted Sehun on the shoulder before opening the front door. A warm breeze entered into the house. As comfortable as it felt outside, Sehun didn't want to leave. But he didn't have a choice.

    

He stepped out onto the front porch without saying a word. Then, he got into the worn-down car without a thought crossing his mind. This was routine by now. He knew what to expect. It was always the same, up until he actually met the people he'd be staying with. He'd just leave the current house, trying to keep in his anger. They'd drive for what would feel like hours. Then he'd be in yet another house.

 

*

 

This house was just like all the others, but at the same time, it wasn't.

    

Three girls, and two of them were twins. Sehun could tell them apart, thankfully—one had long hair and she had a snarky attitude—a lot like Yeseul. The other’s hair was a bit shorter, and she was nice. They were only fourteen. They were adopted by this foster parent, which was something else for Sehun to be envious of.

    

The other girl was quiet, and she was Sehun's age. She had light blonde hair—Sehun's least favorite color.

    

"How about you set up the pull out couch for Sehun, okay?" The mother, Jaehee, had instructed towards the eldest child. Her voice was soft and delicate, and overall comforting. The young girl ran out of the dining area and into the following room.

    

Jaehee set down her glass of water as she gave Sehun a bright expression. "We're glad to have you, Sehun."

    

The boy smiled. All other families would say the same thing, but from Jaehee, it sounded genuine.

    

"I'm well aware of all that's gone on, and I hope that this can be your permanent home. Eunmi made sure this was a fit placement for you," she explained. Sehun knew well aware however that by fit, she meant no boys. No boys to fall in love with. No boys to sleep with. No boys to leave Sehun.

    

"I think the situation was handled very poorly. None of it was your fault."

    

Sehun suddenly felt his heart sinking into his stomach. He had spent every single day thinking about what happened. But talking about it was different—it meant he had to accept the fact that he had to go through all this alone. Without him.

    

"Thank you," Sehun said sincerely. Jaehee grinned again before standing up.

    

"Well, you should get to sleep. I'll be in the room across the hall if you need me." She lightly rested her hand on Sehun's shoulder. He tensed up at the contact, even despite the delicateness of her touch.

    

"Okay."

    

He made himself comfortable on the rather uncomfortable pull-out mattress. There was a single sheet, along with a heavy fleece-blanket covering him. The pillows were flat and dull. The TV in front of him showed the late night news.

    

He wasn't tired. He was wide awake—but this was normal. In every new home, he'd have to sleep in pretty much everywhere except a bed. He'd lie awake for nearly hours. He'd try to tell himself that things would resolve, and it would be his last time doing this routine. Especially tonight, because with with all the had been through lately—the loneliness, confusion, and overall toxic thoughts—he needed to convince himself that he had finally received good news.

    

He eventually decided to listen to some music to help calm his thoughts. It would at least get him thinking about something other than his past and now, the present. But it all just got worse when _Is There Somewhere_ began to play.

 

* * *

 

_**six months later.** _

 

_Sehun—_

_I really hope you're okay. Not even a minute passes by where you aren't on my mind. I'm just so worried about you. Not knowing what you're doing every second of the day the way I did when I was back home is really scary._

_What's probably worrying you is if I'm okay. I am. I made a good friend at a bar around here and he's been letting me stay with him. His name is Yunseok. He's not like you, though. He's kind of intimidating. His friends are kind of scary as well. They all drink a lot and smoke and stuff like that. But he was nice enough to let crash at his place._

_I've been trying to find a job, but it's difficult. Being a high school drop-out with no skill whatsoever makes it hard to be accepted in any area. That means I'm practically broke. That also means I've been "borrowing" money from Yunseok. He probably doesn't care, since he brings home hundreds of dollars every day. I'm pretty sure he's selling drugs. It's probably a bad idea for me to be staying with him, but it's all I can do right now._

_Sehun, please don't come for me. It's not that I don't want to see you, because I really do. First of all, where I'm staying is much too far away from home. I took several buses after the train to get where I am now. Also, I don't want to distract you. You have to prepare for your final year in school. I want you to do well—I don't want you to turn out like me. I want you to finish school then go to a good university and pursue your dreams. Knowing that would make me so happy, so please, just focus on yourself, okay?_

_Another thing is that I want you to make more friends. I don't want to think about you being lonely right now. I'll feel too sad. I know you have Jongin and Chanyeol, but like you said, they're bad people. Try to stay away from them the way you did when we were together. I don't want you getting back into those bad habits again. So, just open your mind this upcoming school year and make a friend or two. For me._

_If you want to, you can forget about me. You can be with other guys and even girls if you want. Don't hold yourself back from loving another person just because of me, okay? Life is short. Do what you want with it. Don't let me hold you back. I'm nothing now. Just know that I'm not forgetting you._

_I love you still. I always will._

_With love,_

_Junmyeon_

_P.S. write me back something so I know you're going to do what I've told you in this letter. I'd love to see how you're doing as well._

 

* * *

 

_**three months later.** _

 

 **THE SKY COMPLETELY CONTRASTED WHAT** Sehun had been feeling that day. It was sunny and clear, yet the temperatures were far too low for him to be comfortable. As bitter as it was outside, the sunset above him that mixed into different warm hues made the atmosphere more comfortable.

    

However, Sehun had been feeling not only pressed, but conflicted. He had no clue how to solve the problem of being in his umpteenth school, especially during his final year in school, and the fact that he had no friends whatsoever. The idea of screwing up another good home had seemed to take over Sehun's mind. He didn't know who to talk to. The only person he could trust was gone. But that didn't stop him.

    

"I don't know what to do, Yixing." Sehun sighed as he softly ran his fingers through the snow he kneeled upon. Although he was trying to get through to Yixing, he never looked at the stone standing before him that really proved he was dead. Sehun couldn't let that pile onto the problems he had already been facing.

    

"I keep fucking up. There's just no happy ending for me. Whenever I feel this way, you would be able to solve it all," Sehun explained in a mumbled tone. "I think you would tell me that I should just let time pass and let things resolve themselves. But, I'm not sure, because you're not here anymore."

    

A long moment of silence passed as Sehun tried to process his thoughts. A pleasant feeling overcame him when the powerful sunlight appeared from behind a cloud, brightening the atmosphere and taking the cold off his pale skin.

    

"Chanyeol and Jongin haven't changed. I know you'd be upset to hear that." Sehun tightly held his own hands to stop himself from playing with the snow before him any more.

    

"And Junmyeon is off doing who knows what. First losing you, then him—I just don't think I can control myself this time. I'm sorry, Yixing." Sehun controlled the tears forming in his eyes from falling. Saying their names—Yixing, Junmyeon—made it all sink in. The fact that they both were gone. The fact that Sehun was officially alone. The fact that there was always something going wrong in his life.

    

He stood up, successfully holding back tears. He walked down the long, grassy field that eventually reached the sidewalk that stretched along the main road. He shoved his hands in his pockets, using one to grab his phone. He called Jongin.

    

It took four rings for him to answer.

    

"Sehun?”

 

"Yeah. Are you busy right now?" Sehun's voice was shaky as he thought about actually spending time with Jongin and his other acquaintances. He knew exactly what they were like—definitely not Sehun's type. Until now.

    

"I guess not. What's up?" Jongin asked.

    

Sehun paused before processing exactly what he needed. "I just need you to help me out. Can you come get me? Please?"

    

Jongin could sense the irritation in Sehun's voice. "Yeah. I'll be there soon."

 

*

 

Just like being put in his new foster home, Sehun hadn't seen a night like this in what felt like forever. It pretty much was forever—at least three years. He hated himself for doing this again. For getting completely wrecked.

    

This was the first time Jongin had seen Sehun in such a state. After he had downed at least six beers and gone through two blunts, there was no question that he had fallen down this hole again.

    

"Sehun, you need to get home. By help, I didn't think you meant get absolutely shitfaced," Jongin explained as he kneeled next to Sehun who had been resting on the couch. The older gently pulled the blunt from Sehun's weak fingers, taking a drag on it before letting it burn out in the ashtray on the coffee table next to him.

    

Sehun groaned as Jongin shoved him in the shoulder. "No," he mumbled, making himself even more comfortable on the leather sofa. Jongin sighed before standing up and collecting the empty beer bottles surrounding him. But Sehun stopped him by grabbing his arm, pulling him back.

    

"Jongin..." Sehun trailed on. He turned around, kneeling down once again.

    

"What is it?"

    

Sehun paused, staring at Jongin's slightly-annoyed face. He didn't seem as annoyed when the younger pulled Jongin's face close to his, both boys taking in a sharp breath. As shocking as the action was, Jongin didn't move. Sehun parted his lips as Jongin's face moved closer to his, their skin now in energizing contact. Sehun placed a hand on Jongin's cheek, his skin smooth beneath his fingers.

    

"Are you gonna forget this?" Jongin asked with a smirk. Sehun nodded, then kissed Jongin's lips. They were full and warm, and along with that, there was comfort. Sehun didn't feel out of place being this close with someone he had barely knew. That was the alcohol's doing, of course, for he knew much better. Not just kissing Jongin, but the drugs and the beer. He hadn't had a drop of alcohol in forever. He hadn't taken a hit off anything in years.

    

Jongin let his body rest completely on top of Sehun's. Their lips moved together in a synchronized rhythm, Jongin running his hands through Sehun's darker hair all the while.

    

"Where's Chanyeol?" Sehun asked with a bland tone after detaching his lips from Jongin's.

    

"He's out. Don't worry about him," Jongin replied. He pressed his lips against Sehun's again, except now, moved his hands from the boy's face down to his hips. The two continued to kiss as the chemicals sunk into Sehun's mind even deeper, and Jongin's indiscretion grew even more.

    

Sehun detached his lips from Jongin's lips, moving his mouth down the older's neck.

    

"I've always wondered why you're so quiet around me, hyung," Jongin laughed. "You like me, don't you?"

    

Sehun kissed Jongin one last time on the lips. "I don't like anyone anymore."

 

* * *

 

_Sehun—_

_I've been feeling a bit down lately. You haven't written me back, and it's been a while. It's selfish, but I just need to know that you're doing okay. That's all I'm asking._

_I know you aren't happy with what I've done. But, you've had about a year to move on. I know these letters aren't going to help you forget me. But, Sehun, just show me somehow that you're doing well. Please._

_I don't care if you're mad, just write me. I miss you._

_Things have gotten better on my end. I have a job, and it's one I really enjoy. I help kids who are living with abusive parents or are in unfit/dangerous foster homes. The people there are some of the nicest I've ever met. Some remind me of you. That's why I really love it there._

_Hopefully, this is the road leading me back to you. Once I can make enough money and the death of my father blows over, we can meet again. I don't know if you'd want that. I feel like you're upset with me. I hope you're not. I want to be able to hold you and kiss you again. I want to hold your hands. I want to see your perfection with my own eyes again._

_Please write me back. I love you. Still. I always will._

_Yours,_

_Junmyeon_

    

* * *

 

 **SEHUN IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED** going to Jongin when he needed the help. Now, the boy seemed to be attached to Sehun. That was something he couldn't have been aware of, though—the only time they were together was when Chanyeol or Yixing had "business" to take care of. They never actually talked. And Sehun couldn't figure out why Jongin was acting this way.

    

"Let's get out of here. Chanyeol will probably be out all night," Jongin suggested as him and Sehun sat in the front seat of his worn-down car. The vehicle was a piece of junk, especially compared to the Audi they normally drove in when they were with Yixing.

    

"Okay," was all Sehun said. Jongin looked at the boy with an uncomforting expression.

    

"What is it?" Jongin asked.

    

Sehun furrowed his eyebrows. He had only two beers, so he actually had some sort of logic left, and would actually remember what had gone on tonight. "Why are you spending so much time with me all of a sudden?"

    

"You like me, hyung." Jongin chuckled.

    

Then, he drove off, down the highway and onto the hidden roads. They ended up near an open field, more what seemed to be a campground. Jongin parked the car, Sehun not sure where they were.

    

Jongin climbed out the car, making his way towards the trunk. Sehun unbuckled his seatbelt and rolled down the window.

    

"What are you doing?" Sehun yelled. He could hear the sound of glass and plastic hitting one another.

    

"Just getting beer. Don't worry," Jongin snickered. Sehun let his head rest against the velvet seat and closed his eyes. He could hear Jongin fumbling with some bag of some sort, but Sehun tried not to worry. He took in deep breaths as Jongin returned back to the driver’s seat.

    

“Drink,” the older commanded as he handed the bottle to Sehun. The younger obliged, tilting his head back, the bitter taste of the alcohol slipping down his throat. It was somewhat warm, even despite the cold weather outside, which made his stomach turn in disgust.

    

Time passed, and the substance in the beer bottle became lesser and lesser. Sehun had already drank two beers today, and he felt somewhat fine, but the warmth and taste of Jongin’s was just repulsive. He felt the need to throw up, but he resisted, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of Jongin.

    

“Why so quiet? You were talkative the other night,” Jongin observed, placing his beer in the cupholder between him and Sehun.

    

“I’m tired,” Sehun mumbled groggily as he sat up in the car seat. “And I’m not high right now.”

    

Jongin shook his head, leaning closer to Sehun. He slowly placed strands of Sehun’s black hair behind his ear, placing kisses on the younger’s shoulder, eventually moving his lips up Sehun's neck and jaw. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

    

“Wake up, then.”

    

Jongin placed his hand on Sehun's cheek, turning the younger's face towards his. He slowly kissed Sehun, making sure the boy felt every centimeter of his lips.

    

"Remember, Sehun, you like me. You kissed me the other night. Remember that?" Jongin positioned himself on Sehun’s lap, grabbing the younger’s hands and placing them on his hips.

    

"No I didn't," Sehun argued. Jongin just laughed as his hands made their way beneath Sehun’s cotton t-shirt. Sehun groaned, trying to get Jongin to leave him alone. He fumbled around with the handle of the car door, but Jongin’s strength beat him, completely trapping him.

    

“Get off of me,” Sehun demanded in a harsh voice as Jongin pulled his t-shirt over his head, soon doing the same to Sehun’s. The younger tried to squirm out of Jongin’s embrace, swinging his hands and kicking his legs. Nothing worked. Jongin grabbed onto Sehun’s wrists, pinning them down next to his sides.

 

“Stop fighting,” Jongin grunted. Sehun then calmed down, breathing heavily, feeling Jongin’s bare chest against his. He felt tears form in his eyes, but held back his sobs as Jongin placed kisses down the younger’s torso. Sehun felt defeated as Jongin began to undo the belt wrapped around Sehun’s waist. Jongin reached beneath Sehun’s boxers, touching him without warning, causing the younger to uncomfortably groan. Then the tears fell. And he didn’t try to stop them.

    

 _Save me,_ he repeated in his mind over and over. His mind became contaminated with thoughts that were too much to handle. That could have been because of the consumption of alcohol he had taken, but it was more than likely because of what Jongin had been doing to him. Sehun felt his heart slow down, his mind slipping away as he stared out into the black void out the window. There was one tree. That was all he could see. The moonlight was just bright enough to make the forest next to them visible. Sehun wanted someone— _anyone_ —to come out from the bushes and just save him. He wished for Yixing to come back and take Sehun into his care. He wanted _him_ most, though—he wanted Junmyeon. Junmyeon would hold Sehun in his arms until he forgot about every worry he had. Junmyeon would kiss Sehun where he was comfortable and tell him how much he loved him.

    

Overall, Sehun needed a hero. Someone to tell him that it’d all be okay. But he knew it wouldn’t be.

    

“Quit crying.” Jongin reached Sehun’s face once again, sloppily kissing his lips. Sehun didn’t kiss back. Instead, he sharply removed his wrists from Jongin’s grasp, struggling to reach the handle of the car door. Jongin, however, was quick enough to catch the boy’s hand and twist it behind Sehun’s neck. The action sent a sharp pain through his elbow, all the way up to his shoulder.

 

Jongin began to remove his own jeans before pushing down on Sehun’s shoulders, making the boy sulk in his position. The older brought out his member and wrapped an arm around the width of Sehun’s shoulders. Sehun didn’t care anymore—he cried and cried and cried. He sobbed even more, in fact, was practically screaming with each thrust Jongin pushed against him.

    

“Stop,” Sehun screamed under a shaky breath. “Stop it, you fucking bastard, just stop.”

 

“God, calm down, you bitch!”

 

With that statement, Sehun bucked his knee into Jongin’s stomach, causing the older to grunt in pain. The tight space of the car made it difficult for Sehun to push Jongin back into the driver’s seat, but once he swung multiple times at Jongin’s face and torso, he backed away and collapsed into his seat. Sehun grabbed his shirt from the bottom of the car and re-zipped his pants, quickly running out of the car and down the dark road.

    

He ran for miles and miles, until he finally reached the freeway. Then, Sehun realized that he was lost. He had no idea how to get back home. He couldn’t call Chanyeol—that would be much too humiliating. He couldn’t call Jaehee or Yura or Yunjin or Chaerin—he’d end up being kicked out of their home. The only option he had left was Yeseul.

    

Sehun ran down the road where cars zoomed back and forth, trying to find a closed off area where nobody could see him. There were tears streaming down his face as he did so. He could feel the burning sensation in his chest grow more and more as he ran further down the road.

    

He managed to get on the phone with Yeseul within only a few minutes, which was a surprise, despite it being nearly two in the morning. She sounded angry when answering the phone.

    

“What the hell, Sehun? It’s so late,” Yeseul mumbled.

    

“I don’t know what to do Yeseul, please just take me to your place. I’m scared.”

    

Yeseul could sense the worry and uneasiness in her brother’s voice. “Okay, where are you? What’s going on?”

    

“I don’t know where I am. I feel sick, my chest hurts, I don’t know what to do,” Sehun replied shakily. He could hear Yeseul moving around through the other end of the call. She didn’t speak for a while.

    

“I’m calling an ambulance.” He heard a door open.

    

“No. I’m fine. And I don’t know where I am.”

    

“Call the police, they can track your phone and find you. Please, Sehun, you don’t sound good.”

    

“No,” Sehun replied. Yeseul sighed.

    

“If you don’t call them, you’re not gonna be found. I have no clue where you are. Unless you want to be stranded, just call the police. Please,” Yeseul begged. Sehun heard her open a car door.

    

Sehun hung up and dialed one-one-two.

    

When the voice of a woman answered, Sehun felt his voice tighten up when they asked, “What is your emergency?”

    

_I just got raped._

“I’m lost.”

    

The woman on the other end let out a soft laugh. “That’s no worry, we’ll get you home. What’s your name?”

    

“Sehun.”

    

“How old are you?”

    

“Seventeen.”

    

A long pause. He could hear her typing.

    

As time passed, Sehun lay himself in the thin layer of snow covering the grass ditch. He ignored the coldness that had sunk into his jacket and t-shirt. He felt his back go numb, along with his mind. He just stared up at the sky and counted the stars. Oddly enough, he felt calm. He thought of Yixing as he lay staring into the sky. The brightness reminded him of the night Yixing had died.

He was staring at this same sky as he passed, and now, Sehun was falling into the oblivion that occupied his vision. He wished he could be dying. He wished that he got shot, not Yixing.

    

Sehun thought of Junmyeon’s favorite song as he lost himself in the glistening of each star. They didn’t shine as bright as Junmyeon when he smiled, or how Sehun felt inside when he could tell Junmyeon was happy. Then, he wished Junmyeon stayed. He’d be okay if Junmyeon were still here.

    

Sehun rolled onto his side. The snow touched his face, sending another chill up his spine. He didn’t realize that he was still crying until a tear fell onto his hand. He didn’t wipe it away. He just let it freeze on his dry skin.

    

He closed his eyes. He tried imagining a better world—a world where Yixing was still alive, where Junmyeon was still here, where Sehyeon could be out of jail, where Sehun could be with Eunmi and Dongchul, or even better, his own biological parents. Him, Sehyeon, and Yeseul could be a regular family. A world where Sehun could just be _happy_.

    

Happy was only temporary for him.

 

* * *

 

_Sehun—_

_It's been over two years. How time flies. I still haven't heard from you. I've found myself worrying far too much, wondering what you're doing and how you've been. You're probably just mad at me—I know for sure I'm mad at myself._

_I'm able to afford a cheap apartment now. Other than working at the foster care center, I've taken on easy jobs. I guess I've kept myself busy by working all this time. But I still think about you a lot._

_I'm thinking of seeing you soon. I've had over 365 days to get back on my feet. I've been missing you like crazy, hyung. Imagining you isn't enough for me. But then again, I don't want to distract you. You're probably in university now, since you just turned nineteen._

_Happy late birthday, by the way. I'm sorry I haven't been able to spend a birthday with you. Did you know our birthdays are almost within a week of one another? I think that's interesting. Fate._

_Maybe I'll get to visit in the summertime. That way, I'll have even more money to get on a train and see you, and you'll be done with your school year. I'm assuming you're not in foster care anymore, since you're an adult now and can live on your own probably. We'd be able to enjoy ourselves if we met again._

_On another note, has there been news about my dad? There has to have been some investigation. I know Yixing was killed not long before my father, so maybe they think it's the same person. I hope there's nothing having to do with me. There probably is though, with my bad luck. But then again, it's been two years, and I haven't been chased down by any cops._

_That's the only thing I'm afraid of being reminded of when I see you. That and all the pain I went through. Hopefully, we can move past that. I'd actually like for you to come see where I've been staying. It's nice here. I moved far from where Yunseok was, not only to a more friendly neighborhood, but closer to you. At least closer to Eunmi and Dongchul._

_I should finish this letter off. Sorry for rambling to you. Sehun, please write me a letter. I don't care if it's five sentences long. Just let me know how you're doing and when I can see you. Please. For me._

_Love,_

_Junmyeon_

 

* * *

 

 **THE PILE HAD APPEARED TO** be as tall as Sehun’s entire body, although there were only about four or five envelopes. He didn’t want to open them, and he surely didn’t want to be around Eunmi any longer. Being in her house again made him envious and somewhat sad—it had all reminded him of when times were better. When he wasn’t so alone. When he had Junmyeon.

    

“They’ve been coming in for a while,” Eunmi told with her soft voice, the voice Sehun missed hearing everyday. She handed the several envelopes over to Sehun.

    

“And you’re giving them to me _now_?” he asked. An uneasy feeling overcame him as he stared at the papers.

    

“You were going through a hard time. We didn’t know what he had written, so we waited to give them to you, just to be safe. It was for the better.”

    

Sehun shook his head as he sat down on the sofa. He opened one that had been bent and ripped in some areas. When the thin paper with the messy handwriting became visible, the air seemed to have been sucked out of Sehun’s lungs.

    

_Sehun—_

_I really hope you’re okay._

He felt like crying. Not only because this felt _real—_ like Junmyeon was here, talking face to face with Sehun—but because he wasn’t okay. Ever since the day Junmyeon left, he had never been okay.

    

_Just know I’m not forgetting you._

_I love you still. I always will._

_I miss you._

    

He read through each letter as fast as he could. With being in Eunmi and Dongchul’s house where him and Junmyeon spent almost all their time together, along with reading his own thoughts and feelings, Sehun couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with nostalgia.

    

“When did he start writing?” Sehun asked, his voice shaky with uneasiness.

    

“About three months after you moved in with Jaehee,” Eunmi replied. She noticed the somberness that had taken over Sehun. She placed a hand on his knee, grabbing his attention. “I think you need to see him, Sehun.”

    

He shook his head. “I can’t right now.”

    

Eunmi sighed. “What if I told you he’s already on a train.”

    

Sehun took in a sharp breath. He tried to process the words coming out of her mouth, but thinking of actually seeing Junmyeon again seemed like a fantasy. A fantasy that would never become a reality—not in a million years.

    

“He is?”

    

Eunmi smiled brightly. “Yeah,” she exclaimed. “He is.”

    

Sehun tried not to smile, but he couldn’t help himself.

 

* * *

 

 **SEHUN WOULD HAVE** preferred for anybody _but_ Jongin to show up at the door during this time. Not only because he felt absolutely disgusted even thinking about Jongin, but with his mind on Junmyeon, it would just bring him back down.

    

Sehun slammed the door in Jongin's face. But he didn't run off at that action.

    

"Open the door," Jongin said. Sehun felt the blood begin to boil in his veins, wishing he could just take the anger from Jongin out on the boy himself.

    

There was a short pause before Jongin welcomed himself into Sehun’s dwelling, which just so happened to be Yeseul’s home. After becoming emancipated, he had the choice to live with just about anybody. Yeseul seemed to be the most logical choice.

    

Jongin gripped Sehun by his forearm to stop the younger from running off. Sehun immediately yanked his arm from Jongin’s grasp, his heart beginning to race again.

    

“Don’t ever touch me again. And get out, please.”

    

Jongin had a more sincere appearance on his face. Sehun felt weary. He couldn’t trust Jongin. Not anymore.

    

“This is important,” Jongin started. His voice sounded quiet and vulnerable. “It’s about Yixing.”

    

Suddenly, Sehun didn’t care that Jongin had been the one standing right in front of him. He cared about Yixing. He needed to know whatever it was Jongin had been hiding.

    

“This is for you, I believe..” Jongin handed Sehun a folded piece of paper. It specifically had _Oh_ _Sehun_ written on the blank side. Sehun felt his stomach turn as he opened the paper.

    

“I just thought he was killed. He just was doing a drug deal like always. I guess not.” Jongin appeared to be nervous, or even sad. That just added onto Sehun’s worry.

    

“I’m sorry. For everything,” Jongin told. His voice was shaky. He seemed vulnerable. Sehun didn’t care.

    

“No you’re not. Fuck off.”

    

And Jongin left.

    

_Sehun—_

 

He didn’t want to read it. Reading it would just be another reminder that Yixing was gone. Another reminder that he no longer had a role model. And letters reminded him of all the things Junmyeon had wanted Sehun to know, yet he didn’t find out until months later.

 

    _I’m in a lot of trouble. Really. I shouldn’t tell you why, it’ll just mess you up really bad. I don’t want you to know another person who fucked up really bad the way Sehyeon did. You don’t deserve that, neither does Yeseul._

_I’ve practically signed a death wish. The police will be after me soon enough. They know about all the illegal stuff I’ve done and the drugs I’ve sold and what not. It makes me wish I could be normal. All I wanted to do was provide for my family. They were too poor to even live. Then they just left me. And the things I’ve become associated with are things you just can’t escape. So please, don’t end up like me. Don’t look up to me the way I know you have._

_I’m sorry your brother ever had to introduce me to you. You’ve been a great thing in my life, but I’m not sure I’m so great in yours._

_Anyway, I might have to run away. I don’t really know. I just don’t want to go through what your brother went through. And I certainly don’t want you or Yeseul witnessing it all over again._

_I’m sorry, Sehun. Thanks for being the brother I never got. Be smart._

_— Yixing_

Sehun sat down on the couch in the living area, still holding the letter in his hands. He wanted to shred it to pieces. Not only because it reminded him of what went down with Yixing, but it just twisted his mind even more. He could barely comprehend the fact that Yixing was killed—now he was supposed to comprehend the fact that it was because Yixing screwed up. Just like Sehun’s own brother. Knowing what Sehyeon did made him feel bad enough, knowing Yixing had done something just as worse made Sehun feel sick to his stomach.

    

He threw the paper into the air before storming outside. The air was slightly warm, not enough to be comfortable, though. There was a slight breeze which would occasionally send chills up his spine.

    

Sehun then got into his car and drove off as fast as he could. The houses down the road blurred past him as he made his way into the quieter side of town, where he’d soon end up at Chanyeol’s home.

    

Inside, he could see a few silhouettes walking about the house, drinks in their hands, most of them probably smoking. Sehun knew he would regret this. But at this point, there didn’t seem to even _be_ a point.

    

He entered the house, which was small and smelled of alcohol and smoke, without even knocking or informing Chanyeol. As Sehun became visible to the crowd, which consisted of Chanyeol and three other guys, the noise seemed to die down. Chanyeol walked towards Sehun with a confused expression on his face.

    

“Been a while,” he muttered. Sehun could tell he was a bit wasted.

    

“Yeah.” Sehun gave Chanyeol a certain look, one that told the older enough. Chanyeol nodded towards a hallway that led to more doors. Then, the two made their way down the corridor and into a bathroom. Inside, there was another man, kneeling on the tile floor, sniffing whatever drug he had. At the sight of Chanyeol and Sehun, the guy angrily stomped out of the bathroom.

    

“Your turn,” Chanyeol exclaimed, then handing a bag of pills to Sehun. The younger hesitated before accepting the drugs. He looked at the pills, trying to convince himself that this was a bad idea. It _was._ But there was no other way he could numb himself from the toxic thoughts and feelings.

    

Along with the pills Chanyeol had given Sehun, he searched through the cabinets to see if there were something stronger—something to _really_ help him forget. Forget about Yixing. Forget about Jongin. Forget about Junmyeon. All he could find was more illegal substances. He took them anyway.

    

Then, without hesitation, Sehun began swallowing the pills in threes, downing them with a nearly-empty beer that had belonged to the previous person. It was stale and warm, which made his stomach begin to turn. He felt like throwing up, but he managed to keep it down.

    

The music that had been blasting from the living room only added to his headache. The bass strongly vibrating through the floor made Sehun feel the need to really let out the uneasiness growing in his stomach. But instead, he took more pills. And drank more of that repulsive beer.

    

Memories started to flood Sehun’s mind, as much as he had tried to slip away. The thoughts just kept invading. As he lay on the cold tile, he remembered being beat up senseless by Junmyeon’s father. He could feel the glass that pierced through his lover’s skin, and could hear the sharp cry Junmyeon let out as it happened. Sehun imagined the moment Yixing was killed. He wasn’t there to witness it, but he could feel Yixing’s pain as the bullet made the strong and wise man even weaker. He could hear the screams of Chanyeol and Jongin as they realized their guardian had been dying.

    

And then, he felt the worst pain he had ever felt in his life. He saw Sehyeon being ripped from their home, handcuffs around his wrists, policemen scolding the brother for all his wrongs. Sehun could hear Yeseul’s cries as she was held down by their foster parent at that time. Then, he remembered the same thing happening to Yeseul. When he woke up in Eunmi’s bed, for he had cried the entire night after watching Yeseul get torn out of the home. There was no way to fix him.

    

He tried to remember Junmyeon. The smile he would wear after Sehun would kiss him. The way his eyes would light up just at Sehun’s touch. But all he could remember was the tear-stained face Junmyeon wore, the train ticket, the blonde hair, _Is There Somewhere,_ and the loneliness. Along with all the suffering Sehun went through, all _without_ Junmyeon.

    

As the dark thoughts plundered Sehun’s mind, he slipped away more and more, becoming numb, just like he wanted. The music died down to a muffled beat, the light in his eyes dulling to a dark void. A void he couldn’t escape.

 

* * *

 

 **THERE WAS SOMETHING DISCOMFORTING** about the sight of Chanyeol’s dwelling. Yeseul had been a rather close acquaintance with the boy, along with his friends, but she still felt a slight anger towards this house. It may not have been the same house where she, along with both her brothers, would get completely wasted in their young years. But the fact that Chanyeol owned it made her bitter.

    

“Wait here,” Yeseul spoke quietly. The boy next to her nodded, looking down at his lap. Yeseul could tell he was uneasy. “It’s okay, Junmyeon. I promise.”

    

Yeseul slammed the car door, then running up to the door. She didn’t even knock. Inside, there was the typical party scene. Smoke. Glass bottles and plastic red cups. Loud music. Laughter.

    

There were only four or five people inside, all those who Yeseul couldn’t recognize, except for Chanyeol, who had his head tipped back as he drank from a beer. He sat on the sofa with a girl and another boy next to him. Once he noticed Yeseul standing right before the doorway, he stopped his laughing and drinking.

    

“Yeseul,” he shouted, his voice dragging out annoyingly. Yeseul clenched her jaw before speaking.

    

“Where is he?” she asked in a flat tone. Chanyeol just stared back at her in confusion.

    

“ _He?_ ” he chuckled, being completely oblivious. Yeseul walked towards the boy, her temper becoming lesser and lesser as time passed. “If by _he_ you mean your boy-toy Yixing, I’m afraid he’s dead. But then again, you and I had a good time or two.”

    

With that comment, Yeseul slapped Chanyeol right across the face. He winced at the sharp action.

    

“Where the fuck is Sehun, you asshole. Don’t lie to me.”

    

Chanyeol let out a deep breath, his chest rising and falling as he did so. He blinked slowly, Yeseul deeply staring at his face. She was reminded of all the nights she watched Sehun run off with him, and come home completely petrified, and if not that, completely buzzed. The anger grew inside of her. Another slap across his cheek.

    

“You have five seconds to tell me where he is,” she commanded.

    

“Goddamn, he’s in the bathroom. Fucking hell.” Chanyeol raised his arms in surrender before sitting himself back down on the couch.

    

Yeseul made her way down the hallway, opening each door on her way. They were all bedrooms, until one of the last doors where the bathroom was. The door opened easily, that is until it stopped at none other than her brother’s feet. As she saw Sehun lying on the bleak stone tiles, her heart sunk. She hadn’t seen him like this in nearly a decade. She never thought he’d do this again.

    

He had been laying on his side, his body lifeless, arms spread above his head and legs curled into his stomach. There was a beer bottle right next to his face. Yeseul felt the air in her lungs completely vanish. She tried to stay strong, but tears still fell down her face.

    

She kneeled down next to Sehun, pushing his shoulder over, laying him on his back. His eyes were closed and there was dry beer around his mouth.

    

Yeseul lightly tapped his cheek to see if he would awaken. It didn’t work. She moved her hands about his face, which had been warm, despite the cold flooring beneath him. The skin surrounding his eyes were dark and swollen. His hair was unbrushed and out of place.

    

She wrapped her arm beneath his neck, lifting up his body. The muscle he had grown made him more heavy, Yeseul couldn’t possibly carry him alone.

    

“Sehun, wake up. Please, just wake up.” She continued to shake his shoulders and beg for him to rouse, but it all was a waste.

    

Yeseul rested Sehun back onto the floor, hovering above her brother as she panted. Her hair fell over her face, sweat beginning to form on her forehead. As she stared at her brother, the deja vu was too much to handle. Before, she wouldn’t care that he was passed out. But now, it was all too real. She was sober enough to realize that Sehun had OD'd again.

    

Her heart skipped a beat as the door slowly opened behind her. She saw a somewhat familiar face standing in the doorway. It was Jongin. Another one of Chanyeol’s friends, so just another catalyst to the relapse of her brother.

    

“Let me help you,” he quietly said. She could tell his concern for Sehun was sincere. Jongin rushed to Yeseul’s side, helping her lift Sehun off the ground and into their arms. They carried him out of the smoke-filled house that smelled of alcohol. Outside, the weather was warm and comforting, especially after the cold air conditioning of the house, along with being on the cold tiles. The night sky was dark, just like the mood that had not only overcome Yeseul, but Junmyeon, who had been standing in front of the car. She didn’t have to hear him speak to know what he had been feeling—his face said it all.

    

“Open the door,” Yeseul told as her voice cracked. Junmyeon listened, rushing to open the door. Junmyeon sat in the car, Jongin and Yeseul laying Sehun down across the backseat, his shoulders resting on Junmyeon’s lap.

    

Junmyeon’s heart had begun to beat faster as he held Sehun’s body in his arms. His face looked the same, except more sullen, more broken. His hair was darker, just like the way his soul had become. Junmyeon froze, but tears didn’t hesitate to form in his eyes. _Two years._ That’s how long it had been since Junmyeon had touched Sehun, felt his soft skin, looked at his beautiful face. Two years since Junmyeon had fallen in love. Two years since he faced his fear.

    

Yeseul watched from the driver’s seat as Junmyeon softly stroked Sehun’s cheek, then brushing his hands through Sehun’s hair. Beads of tears rolled down his face as he held Sehun tightly in his arms. As Junmyeon let out quiet cries, Yeseul felt her heart sink deeper and deeper.

    

“I love you,” Junmyeon spoke quietly, his voice cracking. He admired the hidden beauty behind the sadness that was written over Sehun’s face. The younger still had the softest skin Junmyeon had ever felt, and was still the most stunning face his eyes had ever seen.  

Jongin stood awkwardly next to the car, his hands in his pockets, head staring at the ground. Yeseul eventually invited him into the car, he then sat himself in the passenger’s seat.    

Yeseul drove off. Junmyeon cried. Jongin watched.

* * *

 **HOSPITALS WERE NEVER A COMFORTING PLACE** for Junmyeon, mainly because he had never been in one. And the thought of his first time being inside of one was because none other than Sehun had been passed out cold didn’t make it too inviting either. Yeseul, however, seemed completely normal, as if this wasn’t the first time she had to watch her brother fight for his life.    

“He hasn’t been like this in years,” Yeseul muttered under her breath, grabbing Junmyeon’s attention. “I thought he was okay.”    

“He _was_.”    

Yeseul hugged her knees close to her chest, while Junmyeon just stared at the ground. The humming of the air conditioning became obnoxious and agonizing, so he eventually force himself to listen to music to rid the white noise. He listened to _Robbers._     

Junmyeon tried to focus of the music streaming through his senses instead of worrying about what was being done to Sehun. It was all too much to comprehend at once—not knowing what even happened, and not knowing if he should even worry. But from how Yeseul was behaving, Junmyeon had every reason to worry.    

She was holding back tears. Junmyeon could see it as her eyes were covered with a glossy shield of tears and the skin on her face turned pink. He wanted to assure her that Sehun would be okay. It was just another relapse. He’d be up and healthy within a week. But he didn’t know, which was the real pain behind it all—the mystery. The unknown. The possibility that anything could happen.    

Junmyeon didn’t notice Yeseul had been talking to a doctor until several minutes later. He had lost himself in the music, along with the invasive thoughts flooding his mind. But he didn’t want to know what the doctor was saying, so he continued to listen to the music.    

Yeseul sat down again. She pulled the headphones from Junmyeon’s ears.    

“He’s okay.”    

Junmyeon couldn’t feel any happiness with that statement. As much as he wanted to, as much as he _should_ have, he didn’t. It was a lie.   

“If he’s okay, then this wouldn’t have happened.”    

Yeseul didn’t say anything for a while, and neither did Junmyeon.    

“I’m going to see him. Feel free to join me,” Yeseul sighed as she stood up from the chair. She made her way down the long hallway, eventually stopping at the designated room Sehun had been resting in. Junmyeon kept waiting. He went over what he would say to Sehun when he would awaken.

 _I’m sorry. I love you._     

That’s about all he could say.    

Jongin showed up a few minutes later.   

“He’s stable,” Junmyeon told. Jongin sat next to Junmyeon, letting out a deep breath.    

“That’s good.”    

There was a short pause. Humming of machinery and footsteps of nurses and doctors was all to be heard. That, plus Junmyeon’s beating heart.    

“Do you know why this would happen?” Junmyeon asked, trying to keep himself collected. He truly felt like crying. Not only that, but he felt the need to punch a wall, or maybe beat someone up. He couldn’t help but feel anger. The anger just worsened, realizing there was no way he could help the situation.    

“I don’t know,” Jongin answered quietly. “With you leaving and Yixing dying, it was too much for him.”    

Junmyeon looked at Jongin. The boy was really handsome, but he wasn’t perfect. Not to Junmyeon, anyway. Only Sehun had been perfect to him. Not anything or anybody else. Jongin’s skin was dark, a lot like his personality. Junmyeon had realized he knew close to nothing about this guy, except for that him and Sehun had only known each other when they were trying to get buzzed.    

“Was it this bad? When it first happened?”    

Jongin let out a quiet sigh. “This is worse. 

* * *

  **SEHUN HAD STILL BEEN SLEEPING.** He seemed lifeless. His body was weak, his eyes seemed permanently shut, and his skin was dark and worn. That didn’t stop Junmyeon from admiring Sehun.    

Yeseul was sitting in the chair next to the hospital bed, while Junmyeon kneeled next to where Sehun had been resting. Junmyeon held the younger’s hand loosely, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb.    

_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

Sehun continued his slumber, Junmyeon wanted to touch his face, feel his heartbeat, run his fingers through his spacey-black hair. Junmyeon just wanted things to be normal again, but in the back of his mind, he knew that would never happen again.    

“It’s almost been twenty-four hours. I’m worried,” Yeseul commented with a shaky voice, getting up and walking closer to the bed. She stared at her brother. “I already lost my other brother. I can’t lose Sehun.”    

Junmyeon stood up, but still held onto Sehun’s hand. “You won’t lose him.”    

“It kind of feels like I already lost him, though.” Yeseul sighed. She glanced at Junmyeon. He was gazing at Sehun as if it were the last time he would look at him. Junmyeon’s eyes were wide and still, so was the hand that gripped onto Sehun’s fingers.    

“How much did you love him?” Yeseul asked, now looking at her brother again. Junmyeon sat down on the small space left on the bed. He let go of Sehun’s hand.   

“I was in love with him before I even knew what love was. And I still am.”

Junmyeon softly traced his hand up and down the length of Sehun’s body, making sure it was really _him,_ not just a figment of his imagination. His hand then crept towards Sehun’s chest. Junmyeon lightly placed his hand over Sehun’s heart. It beat slowly but steadily. Junmyeon felt the air in his lungs escape him as he let out a breath of relief.   

“It’s really him, isn’t it,” Junmyeon whispered. He felt himself begin to smile as he fully realized that this was the same Sehun he had been in love with, the same Sehun he had kissed and touched and held all those nights years ago.    

Junmyeon now caressed Sehun’s cheek. It was still soft and perfect, the way it always was. As Junmyeon felt Sehun’s fragile skin beneath his fingertips, the younger’s eyelids fluttered, quiet groans escaping him. Junmyeon immediately stood, backing away from the bed. Yeseul look his spot on the bed.

“He did this a few times last night. He might just fall back asleep.” Yeseul pulled the light blankets over Sehun’s shoulders, keeping him warm. He shifted beneath the covers. His eyes were open.    

“Hun,” Yeseul spoke. “Are you up?”    

Sehun just stared at her, not saying a word. He just nodded. Junmyeon felt like crying again. Yeseul placed her hand on Sehun’s shoulder, then lightly touching his forehead. The room was so silent, Junmyeon’s head began to ache. He wanted to hear Sehun’s voice. That was all.    

“Junmyeon is here,” Yeseul said. Sehun didn’t answer. He just looked at Junmyeon. His eyes were glossy with tears. He had a longing appearance on his face. Sehun pulled his hand from beneath the covers, reaching for Junmyeon.   

“Hi,” Junmyeon breathed. He grabbed onto Sehun’s hand that reached for him. He placed his other hand on the younger’s face. Sehun smiled. “I missed you.”    

Yeseul stood, allowing Junmyeon to sit on the bed. A tear fell down Sehun’s cheek. Junmyeon leaned forward, wiping it away. Sehun held onto the hand that held his face.    

“I missed you more.” Sehun’s voice was quiet and much deeper. Junmyeon just looked at him. He fell in love all over again.    

“How are you feeling?” Junmyeon asked. Sehun detached his gaze from Junmyeon’s eyes.    

“I don’t know.”    

“That’s okay. Just rest.”    

Sehun slowly blinked, and Junmyeon could tell he wanted to sleep again. He let go of Sehun’s hands. Sehun closed his eyes, letting out a deep breath.    

"Is it really you?" Sehun asked groggily, trying to hold back more tears. He hated that his first time seeing Junmyeon was when he was in such a state—hurting. Hurting the way he did several years ago. Being like this again made Sehun feel more angry than anything else. He felt okay, until he didn’t. And he repeated the same mistakes he should have learned from long ago.    

“It’s me. I promise,” Junmyeon replied with a smile. A grin formed on Sehun’s face too. Junmyeon could tell it was fake, though. He knew what it looked like when Sehun was truly happy. He wasn’t happy right now.   

Sehun slowly closed his eyes as he dozed off, letting out short and quiet breaths. Junmyeon stroked Sehun’s arm, only adding to the younger’s fatigue. But he seemed to wake up almost immediately after Jongin walked in the door.  

There was only silence at first, but once Sehun noticed who was standing in the room, he erupted into a panic. “Why is he here?” he asked over and over. Junmyeon stood up from the bed, giving Jongin a confused look.    

Jongin walked towards Sehun without saying a word. He softly placed his hand on Sehun’s arm, which ended up being swiped away. Sehun started pushing Jongin away from the bed, going into a fit of rage.    

“Get him out of here. He shouldn’t be here, why is he here?” Sehun started crying. He was crying more than Junmyeon had ever seen. His breathing was fast and his face was red.    

“Jongin, just get out.” Yeseul escorted the boy out of the room.    

“I just need to tell him something, let me stay,” Jongin argued. Yeseul grabbed his arm, forcing him out of the room. Junmyeon grabbed Sehun’s wrist, pinning them to the bed so he’d stop his screaming. That action only made it worse. He cried harder.    

The door opened, Yeseul pushed Jongin away, and it shut again.    

“Hey, it’s okay. He’s gone,” Junmyeon encouraged as he still held onto Sehun’s wrists. He tried to pull them from Junmyeon’s grasp, breathing heavily and loudly.    

Yeseul rushed towards the bed. “What the hell was that?”    

Sehun let out a long, shaky breath. “I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. I just hate him.” Junmyeon released Sehun’s wrists from his hands. He began wiping the tears from Sehun’s face, trying to calm him down.    

“Why do you hate him?” Yeseul asked in a flat tone. Sehun shook his head, not saying a word, but taking slow and deep breaths. Junmyeon held his hand. The silence that took over the room was too intense to bear.    

“I’m going to talk to him,” Yeseul said. She quickly made her way out of the room, the door shutting behind her left an even more ravaging stillness between the two remaining in the room.    

Sehun hung his head low, hiding his red face from Junmyeon’s sight. Junmyeon softly touched below the younger’s chin. “Look at me, Hun.”    

Sehun kept his head low, shaking it in refusal.   

“Please talk to me.” Junmyeon moved his fingers from Sehun’s chin to his cheek. He wiped away the tears that remained on his face. “Did he hurt you? Did he hurt Yixing? Just talk to me.”  

Sehun inhaled a sharp breath, picking his head up again. He didn’t look at Junmyeon directly, though. He couldn’t bear to see his face.    

“We were just out like normal. Me, Jongin, and Chanyeol. I was tired. I thought Jongin was too. So he was driving me back home, but I fell asleep. I woke up in the car, but we were in the middle of nowhere.” Sehun paused. Junmyeon reached for his hand, intertwining his fingers with Sehun’s. He held on tightly.    

“And he made me drink. He was trying to get me drunk. I wish I would have been drunk. Then I wouldn’t have remembered. He told me that I liked him. That I had kissed him already. I didn’t remember kissing him. But he just started kissing me, and he took my shirt off. I tried to stop him, but he didn’t, and he just took my pants off. He just wouldn’t stop.”    

Sehun stayed quiet for a while. He looked down at his lap again, just so Junmyeon wouldn’t have to watch him cry again. Junmyeon didn’t know what to say—like anybody would know how to react to that. Instead of speaking, Junmyeon pulled Sehun’s body close to his, resting Sehun’s head on Junmyeon’s shoulder. With that, Sehun let out all the tears he had been holding in since that night years ago. The night where he had to lay in the snow, alone, breaking apart with nobody to fix him. Wishing Junmyeon would be there to save him.   

Junmyeon let out a pressed sigh, his heart breaking even more as Sehun broke down. “Fuck, Sehun,” he breathed. “You have to report it. This isn’t okay, he’s obviously hurt you—” 

“I _can’t,_ Junmyeon. I just can’t. He’d ruin your life. And anyway, we were the same age. There was nothing illegal about it.” 

“Sehun. His age isn’t an excuse. Just report him, please. You deserve better.”    

“I don’t care about getting justice. What made it worse,” Sehun started as he tried to stop his tears, “was that I didn’t have you. And that I wasn’t drunk enough to forget it.”

* * *

 **INTENSIVE REHAB**. That’s what Sehun would need in order to get better. Medication and therapy wouldn’t be enough to fix him of his illness. As expected, that wouldn’t make Sehun very happy. Although Sehun had still been sleeping, everyone knew that sending him back to rehab would make him angrier than ever.    

“Don’t be surprised if he sleeps most of the day. It’s gonna take him a while to recover and regain energy,” the doctor explained as he looked over Sehun’s resting body. Junmyeon wasn’t really listening to what the doctor had to say—he knew what it would all result in at the end. Another long period of time without Sehun. Another several months where Junmyeon would have to leave Sehun all alone, hurting and going through hell by himself. More reason for Junmyeon to feel guilty.    

The doctor exited the room, leaving Junmyeon, Yeseul, and a tiresome Sehun by themselves again.    

“He’s not gonna be happy,” Yeseul said as she sat on the bed next to Sehun. She softly stroked his hair, staring at him longingly. Junmyeon could tell that he wasn’t the only one in the room who had been feeling guilty.    

“He didn’t deserve any of this.” Yeseul lay down completely, resting her hand on Sehun’s forearm. “I should have known better. I should have known.”    

“No one could have helped him,” Junmyeon said after a long silence. He stood from his chair, looking over Sehun’s body one last time. “I’m going to get some air. I’ll be back.” Yeseul nodded, Junmyeon then making his way out of the room.    

As he walked through the hospital halls, the anger inside him only grew more and more furious. Once he reached the exit doors, he already had his hands in fists. After he found Jongin leaning against the concrete wall of the hospital, he walked faster, reaching the man quicker.    

At the sight of Junmyeon, Jongin stood away from the building. He could tell that Junmyeon knew the truth. Junmyeon didn’t look like the angelic, polite, approachable guy he had always been.    

“You’re a fucking dick,” Junmyeon nearly shouted. Jongin immediately knew what this was about. “You’re going to rot in hell.”    

Jongin rolled his eyes as he sighed. “He just wants attention. He’s lying to you.”    

Junmyeon shook his head. “I know Sehun. He was not lying. He doesn’t lie. Not to me.”    

There was a long pause. Jongin walked past Junmyeon, behind where he had been standing. He looked out at the landscape, which consisted of an overcast sky and tall pine trees.    

“You have ten seconds to tell me the truth,” Junmyeon demanded. Jongin turned around. His eyes were shut and had his arms crossed. Junmyeon clenched his jaw out of anger.  

“Fine. He was fucked up before it happened. He always has been, because he’s crazy. His parents left him dry and his brother fucked him over. Then Yixing got himself killed, and then, _you_ left him. And he relapsed. Because he’s insane.”    

Junmyeon didn’t hesitate to swing at Jongin’s face with that statement. His knuckles collided with Jongin’s eye, causing the boy to let out a sharp cry as he stumbled backwards. Junmyeon took advantage of Jongin’s weakness by kicking him in the stomach. Jongin fell onto the cement, grunting in pain.  

_I could kill him. Right now, I could kill him._

Junmyeon continued to punch Jongin in his weakest spots—face, neck, stomach. With each hit, the younger would let out a quiet groan. The more Junmyeon would swing at Jongin, more blood covered the bruises on his hands. Jongin tried to fight back, swinging his arms and kicking his legs, but Junmyeon just grew stronger.   

Jongin seemed to have given up fighting back, for his arms lay weak by his sides and his screams had subsided. Jongin continued to groan in pain, however.    

Several minutes passed, and it took none other than Yeseul to stop Junmyeon from hurting Jongin any further. His face was barely identifiable. His eyes were swollen now, lips cut beyond repair, nose bleeding out profusely.    

“Junmyeon, stop. You’re gonna kill him,” Yeseul yelled as she grabbed Junmyeon by his arms, pulling him away from Jongin’s body.  

“I don’t care, I want him dead, I hate him. God, I hate him.” Junmyeon swiped his arms out of Yeseul’s grasp. He breathed heavily, beads of sweat forming all over his body. He walked away as Yeseul helped Jongin stand. He coughed as they made their way into the hospital.

Jongin grunted as he passed Junmyeon. He spit out a wad of blood that had seeped from inside his mouth. “You’re gonna regret that.” 

* * *

 **THERE ARE ONLY CERTAIN TIMES** Junmyeon could see Sehun. Not only because of the strict rules the rehabilitation center enforced, but because most of the time, Sehun didn’t want to see him. On his good days, a visit from Junmyeon would make him that much happier. But good days didn’t come very often.    

Junmyeon would ask the same question every time.   

“Are you doing okay?”    

Today, Sehun decided to answer more detailed than normal.    

“I keep remembering the bad things. I remember Yixing and I remember Jongin. I remember Sehyeon, too. So no. I’m not doing okay.”    

Today, Junmyeon couldn’t hold Sehun’s hand. Not when he was upset.    

Sehun looked at the ground. He seemed to do that often. It made Junmyeon feel worthless, knowing he couldn’t do anything to get him to pick his head up again. He couldn’t get him to smile—not even once. Not even a laugh. Nothing, Junmyeon couldn’t heal Sehun the way Sehun healed him.    

“I wish I could help you,” Junmyeon said hopelessly. Sehun sighed. He stood up from the dining table, walking towards the living area of the rehab center. The area was empty at that moment, except for a guard who stood in front of the doors. Sehun sat himself on the couch.    

“Don’t beat up Jongin. That will help not only me, but you. You don’t understand what he can do to someone. Not just him, but the people he knows.”    

Junmyeon made his way to where Sehun sat. A nervous feeling—a familiar sensation—overcame him again. He felt this same thing the last time Jongin spoke to him. _You’re gonna regret that._ The words repeated in his head over and over again.    

“Sehun,” Junmyeon stated blandly. Sehun looked at him. He didn’t look amused. He looked mad. Junmyeon felt even more nervous now.    

“What?” Sehun reassured with a stern voice after a long pause. Junmyeon was caught by surprise. Sehun looked at the floor again.    

“I just want you to get better. At least try. For me,” Junmyeon encouraged. Sehun stayed silent for a while. Junmyeon became more worried.    

“Why should I do anything for you?” Sehun stood. “You left me in the dirt for two years. That’s a long time, in case you weren’t aware. And that whole time, I was practically killing myself. I was breaking, and you weren’t there to mend me. So no. I’m not doing anything for you.”    

Sehun walked away. Junmyeon felt the tears form in his eyes.    

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon said, walking behind Sehun.    

“No, _I’m_ sorry. I’m sorry that an apology isn’t enough to fix me. I’m sorry that I had a past with drugs. I’m sorry my best friend decided to get himself murdered. I’m sorry I was driven to the middle of nowhere to be nearly raped by someone who I thought I could trust. I’m _really_ sorry that you could kiss me and love me one second, then just leave me the next.”    

Sehun was crying by now. And Junmyeon couldn’t hold him to stop the tears.    

“It just hurts too much,” Sehun sobbed. A tear slipped from Junmyeon’s eye. He quickly wiped it away as he inhaled a deep breath.    

“It hurts watching you hurt,” Junmyeon said as he stepped closer to Sehun. “Please. Tell me how I can help. I don’t know if it will work, but I’m willing to try.”

Sehun wiped his face, taking in a deep and shaky breath. He crossed his arms, looking at the ground. He sniffled a few times before speaking again. 

“Just don’t leave me again.”    

Junmyeon pulled Sehun into his arms. Sehun hugged back.    

“I’m not gonna do that,” Junmyeon reassured as Sehun buried his face between the older’s neck and shoulder. Junmyeon felt the tears running from Sehun’s eyes onto his collarbone. He stroked the younger’s hair while he cried.    

“I’m sorry I’m a terrible person,” Sehun apologized. He lifted his head, but went right back to gazing into the wooden flooring.   

“You’re not a terrible person. You’re strong. You know that, right?”    

Sehun looked at Junmyeon. He had that look on his face. The look he wore as he watched Junmyeon get battered by his father. The look he wore as he watched Yixing die. The look he wore when he watched Junmyeon enter the train station. The look he wore as Jongin made him weaker. And in that moment, Junmyeon became weaker himself.  

“If I were strong, I wouldn’t be breaking right now.”

* * *

 **THERE WAS ONLY ONE TIME** of day Sehun didn’t hate, which was visitation time. Yeseul would come every other day, while Junmyeon would visit every day that he could. Except Sehun barely wanted to see either person. He often found his thoughts giving him more negativity rather than happiness, for the things in his head were almost always regarding the wrongs that had occurred in his life.    

Today, though, more guilt had filled his mind rather than sadness. He figured seeing Junmyeon again would give him an opening to apologize.    

It had shocked Sehun when Junmyeon entered the room looking rather calm. He thought after his meltdown the other day, Junmyeon would never step foot in the same room as him.    

Sehun stayed quiet as Junmyeon took a seat in the desk chair across Sehun’s bed. Junmyeon had a certain look on his face—one that Sehun had never seen before. It didn’t come across as sad nor happy.    

“I’m really sorry,” Sehun said, breaking the painful silence in the room. Junmyeon looked up at Sehun with a surprised expression. Sehun began to worry when Junmyeon didn’t speak for a while. “I didn’t mean what I said. It’s just been difficult, and I took it out on you. I’m really sorry.”    

Junmyeon looked at the ground as he pursed his lips. “You’re allowed. Don’t worry about it, okay?” He lifted his head again as he let out a deep breath. “I brought you something,” Junmyeon commented as he sat on the bed next to Sehun. He pulled a pair of earbuds from the pocket of his jacket, placing one in Sehun’s ear. The younger smiled as Junmyeon played one of Sehun’s favorites, _Burning Bridges._ He remembered Sehun playing this one before.

Sehun looked at the ground and listened to the music that played through his ears. As he processed the lyrics, he felt more and more vulnerable. As if Junmyeon had been speaking to him through the lyrics.    

_You and I were meant to be, no doubt about it, no way to hide that sort of thing._

“Remember that roof?” Junmyeon laughed. “I think I spent more than ninety-percent of my teenage years up there.”   

Sehun bit his lip, holding back a smile. “You really did, didn’t you,” he question with a chuckle. Junmyeon nodded, looking at his lap.    

“Imagine, if I never went up there everyday, I never would have met you.”    

Sehun nodded. “I think we could both be dead if we never met each other. With _your_ dad, and _my_ crazy friends. We’d both be screwed.”    

Junmyeon glanced at Sehun. He was smiling. He wore the contagious grin that Junmyeon hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. It was a refreshing sight. Not only that, but it gave Junmyeon hope. Knowing Sehun could still feel happy—knowing he could _smile_ —made him feel much more faithful.  

“I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now,” Junmyeon added.    

_I want you to burn my bridges down._

Junmyeon watched Sehun. He could tell he was thinking deeply. His eyes drilled into the ground before him, and his hands were still in his lap. Junmyeon placed a hand on Sehun’s back, startling the younger.    

It became hard to read through Sehun’s rock-hard expression. He didn’t look happy, but he didn’t look angry. Junmyeon didn’t know whether he should continue to give Sehun the happy encouragements he rehearsed in his mind, or if he should just stay quiet.    

He didn’t have to once Sehun began to talk.    

“How fucked up is it that I have to spend Christmas in rehab,” Sehun chuckled as he shook his head. Junmyeon pursed his lips.    

“They seem to be nice here. And plus, I’m gonna come see you. So is Yeseul, and maybe Eunmi and Dongchul. If that’s okay with you,” Junmyeon explained. The two looked at each other for a moment, until Sehun smiled and nodded.    

“That’d make me happier,” Sehun admitted. Junmyeon smiled, a little bit more than he should have. The thought of Sehun being happy made Junmyeon even happier.    

“Is Yeseul okay?” he asked as he lifted his head. Junmyeon crossed his legs, looking at the carpet floor before him.    

“She’s okay. She’s just preparing for when you can come home. She’ll visit during Christmas.” Junmyeon gave Sehun a small smile.    

“Sometimes, I think she’s sadder than me.” Sehun crossed his arms. “She really loved Yixing.”    

Junmyeon looked at Sehun’s hand. He wanted to hold it. The need to squeeze his long, limber fingers began to strengthen. Almost as much as he wanted to kiss Sehun’s soft lips and touch his flawless skin. But, something held him back. The thought of Sehun lashing out, especially since the meltdown he had not long ago.    

“Are _you_ okay?” Sehun asked, indirectly looking at Junmyeon. The older didn’t hesitate this time—he slipped his fingers in between Sehun’s, holding tightly.    

“Yeah. I’m okay. Are you?”    

Sehun looked at the floor again. He chewed on a fingernail. Junmyeon didn’t need a verbal answer to know that Sehun was _not_ okay.    

“I will be someday.” 

* * *

 **THANKFULLY, SEHUN WAS** in a much better place today than he had been in the past few weeks. It was the holidays, and Sehun would be able to see all the people he loved most at once, as if he were still home and healthy. But along with the holidays came the somber memories.    

As Sehun watched the others decorate the open area of the center with tinsel, he remembered the one good Christmas he spent with Junmyeon and Yixing. He remembered how happy he felt back then. He remembered Yixing being alive. He remembered not being broken by Jongin.    

But after Sehun’s family arrived, smiles on their faces and presents in their hands, the sadness that had occupied Sehun’s mind suddenly faded away.    

Yeseul gave him a tight hug, which forced a laugh out of him. It made Sehun even more happy seeing Yeseul smile.    

Junmyeon hugged Sehun as a greeting, which was a relief to the younger, for he didn’t know if things could ever go back to the way they used to be. But for a moment, Sehun felt as if he were sixteen again, and Junmyeon hadn’t left, and overall, they were happy.    

It was only Eunmi and Dongchul who showed up after that.    

As Yeseul went to talk to the other boys that were staying at the center, and Eunmi and Dongchul spoke with Sehun’s counselors, Junmyeon and Sehun made themselves comfortable on the couch in the living space. Sehun tried to enjoy it—being there with Junmyeon—but it was difficult, as the same thoughts crept into his mind at an incomprehensible pace. As he looked out at the familiar view, he remembered telling Junmyeon the horrible things he had said, and as a Christmas tree stood in the middle of the room, he saw Yeseul and Yixing sitting beneath it. He saw Yixing’s smile. Sehun remembered that he would never smile again.    

Junmyeon could tell Sehun was falling into his head again, and immediately tried to distract him. “So you get to come home soon?”    

Sehun looked at Junmyeon, snapping out of his deep thinking. “Y-yeah. I will be out of here soon enough.” Sehun let out a chuckle as Junmyeon smiled.    

“Maybe,” Junmyeon began, grabbing Sehun’s attention again. “Once you get out, you can come to where I stayed. You can see my apartment. You could meet the people I work with. You’d like it there.”    

Sehun nodded and smiled. His eyes were now glued on Junmyeon’s hands that rested on his lap. He really wanted to hold them But, just like the last Christmas they spent together, there were people watching. And Sehun still didn’t know if he could even dream of being close with Junmyeon again. 

* 

After the dinner shared with the families and their children, everyone went back to milling around, making conversations with each other and talking about whatever they had planned after rehab. Sehun didn’t bother making friends with the others being treated, for he knew the friendship would be broken, whether it be because of their own addiction, or his toxic thoughts always invading his mind.    

It had grown darker outside, and the clear sky gave a perfect outlet for the stars to shine brightly. As cold as it was outside, there were a few people hanging around the entrance of the building. Junmyeon and Sehun made their way out there for more privacy.    

“I had to get you something,” Junmyeon said as him and Sehun found an empty area near the side of the building. The structure was surrounded by clean hills of grass, which were now covered in snow. The ground seemed to glow at the reflection of the bright moon shining over the earth.    

Sehun leaned against the concrete wall, immediately feeling as if all the attention had been directed towards him. As Junmyeon handed Sehun a box wrapped almost perfectly with blue paper. Sehun hesitated before opening it, for Junmyeon had been watching him with a close eye.    

After ripping the layer of paper, there was a red box, one that looked somewhat familiar. Except this box was new, polished, and clean. Not beat up like the one Sehun had all those years.    

Inside the box was exactly what he expected. It was his bracelet. The one he had given Junmyeon exactly three years ago on this very day. Except this bracelet was brand new. It was nearly blinding as the moonlight reflected off the silver band.    

“I guess you could consider it an apology. And please, keep it this time.” Junmyeon grinned as Sehun pursed his lips. “Do you like it?”

Sehun just nodded as he stared at the bracelet. “Thank you, Junmyeon.”    

Sehun couldn’t concentrate in that moment, due to the deja vu that had overcome him. As the snow slowly fell and the cool temperatures sunk in, Junmyeon lightly grabbed Sehun’s hand. His hand which had been shaking, either out of nerve or from the cold. His hand which was no longer a smooth, perfect canvas for holding. Junmyeon put the bracelet on, staring at Sehun’s long fingers.    

There was a painful silence, both exchanging their gazes between the ground and their hands which were lightly resting in each other’s. Junmyeon glanced at Sehun, admiring his being. 

His dark hair was even darker now. It loosely covered his head, yet still looked nearly-perfect. But Sehun had always been like that— _perfect._ Not only was his hair perfect in that moment, but the way his lips slightly curled into a smile was perfect, along with his perfectly chiseled jawline. Junmyeon realized he was staring the moment Sehun lifted his head again.   

Sehun looked at Junmyeon, the same way he did when they first kissed, the same way he did on the roof during New Year’s Eve, the same way he did during the Christmas they spent together. And for a single moment, Sehun looked happy. Healed. Healthy. _Okay._

“Junmyeon,” Sehun spoke with a questioning tone. The older suddenly held his hand tighter. Sehun let out a shaky breath. “Do you still love me?”

“Sehun,” Junmyeon nearly-whispered. He felt the skin that touched his, and looked at Sehun’s face, reassuring that this _was_ him. Oh Sehun, standing before him. “I never stopped loving you. And I don’t think I will.”    

Sehun didn’t say anything. He just pressed his lips onto Junmyeon’s, moving his hand to the older’s face. Junmyeon’s hands made their way to Sehun’s waist. A smile began to form onto Sehun’s lips as the warmth of Junmyeon’s mouth enveloped his. Junmyeon detached his lips, smiling as Sehun caressed his face.    

“Can we be together? Once I get out of here?” Sehun asked, still glaring into the ground, not wanting to Junmyeon to see his vulnerability.    

Junmyeon smiled. “Yes.” He placed his fingers beneath Sehun’s chin, forcing the taller to lift his head again. Sehun raised his eyebrows once his gaze met Junmyeon’s.    

“You won’t get to be my new year’s kiss,” Junmyeon commented as he ran his fingers through Sehun’s dark locks. He looked at Sehun in his eyes, yet the younger seemed to be staring down Junmyeon’s lips.    

“I’m sorry,” Sehun whispered. He softly touched Junmyeon’s face, still gazing at his lips. “Once I get out, I’ll make up all the new year’s kisses we missed.”    

Junmyeon smiled to himself as he thought of kissing Sehun again. He imagined waking up to his perfection every day, coming home from work to find him in his own home, enjoying dinner together every day of the week, then falling asleep in his arms. It sounded like heaven to him.    

Junmyeon grabbed Sehun’s hand again, holding it tightly, letting out a quiet sigh. “It will be hard, but try to get better. Talk to your therapist, keep your mind clear, and just take care of yourself. Do it for Yeseul, do it for Yixing, do it for me. But most of all, do it for yourself. Okay?”

Sehun nodded. “Okay.”

* * *

 

 **THE SUN WAS NOW BELOW** the horizon, and the stars in the sky began to grow brighter as each second passed, creating tiny specks on the dark canvas. The two made their way onto the sandy ground, their toes digging into the trillions of rocks. Sehun made sure to keep a hold of Junmyeon’s hand, for in this darkness, it gave him comfort. Knowing Junmyeon was there put him at ease. That wasn’t anything new, though.    

“We should have thought of this a long time ago,” Sehun commented, looking over at Junmyeon. The younger’s eyes were big and curious as he watched the view before him. Junmyeon smiled small as he let out a small chuckle. He glanced at Sehun, who had been admiring the landscape of the small mounds of sand along with the glistening lake before them.    

“There weren’t any beaches back where we lived,” Junmyeon replied, resting his head on Sehun’s shoulder. “The roof worked just fine for us. Right?”    

Sehun chuckled. “You’re right.”    

Silence grew more immense and dragged on as the two stared out at the waters. As waves slowly rolled over the shore, Sehun grew more interested in the phenomenon.   

“Jun,” he whispered as he straightened his posture. “Let’s go swim.”   

The suggestion caught the older by surprise. Junmyeon furrowed his eyebrows as he shook his head.    

“It’s probably freezing! And we’re not wearing bathing suits.”    

Sehun rolled his eyes as he kneeled in front of Junmyeon. He gave the older a certain look—big, glowy, bugging eyes with pouting lips. Junmyeon giggled as Sehun begged. After moments of coaxing and whining, Junmyeon gave in. Sehun happily jumped onto his feet, smiling from ear to ear. Junmyeon rolled his eyes as Sehun grabbed his forearm. The younger pulled Junmyeon closer to the shore, the feeling of the cold water spraying from the waves becoming stronger.  

Sehun pulled off his baggy sweatshirt, keeping his shorts on. Junmyeon hesitantly did the same. The cool nighttime air washed against their skin, but once Sehun took a stronger hold of Junmyeon’s hand, he immediately warmed up.    

They slowly made their way deeper into the water. Sehun continued to hold Junmyeon’s hand. His fingers seemed to perfectly fit between Junmyeon’s, as if his knuckles were molded just to Sehun’s own fingers. It gave him comfort, as if Junmyeon really was made for Sehun, and only Sehun.   

“It’s too cold, Hun.” Junmyeon crossed his arms, stroking his skin in attempt to make it warmer. Sehun just let go of Junmyeon’s hand and pulled the smaller into his arms.   

“Ignore the cold. Isn’t this nice?”    

Sehun slowly pulled the two deeper into the water, their whole torsos now submerged in the lake. Junmyeon’s lip quivered out of coldness, along with his entire body. Sehun placed his hands on Junmyeon’s arms as he began placing kisses over the older’s body. Starting at his shoulders, which were covered in beads of water, moving up his neck, eventually reaching his face. Suddenly, Junmyeon stopped shaking, and the shudder of his lips concluded once Sehun passionately kissed them. Junmyeon’s hands snuck down to the taller’s waist, then around to his back, beginning to trace the crevice of Sehun’s spine. As Sehun’s soft lips grazed Junmyeon’s, a tingly feeling grew inside his stomach. It felt as if a cage of butterflies was released inside of him, fluttering all through his body. His heart began to beat harder and faster. Junmyeon quickly pulled himself away from Sehun’s body before the younger could feel his ballistic heartbeat.    

“Are you alright?” Sehun asked. Junmyeon glanced up at him, their eyes meeting in a unbreakable stare. “You look scared.”    

Junmyeon shook his head, looking down at the water. “I’m okay, just cold.”    

Sehun pulled the smaller into his arms. “Okay, we can go. I don’t want you getting sick.”    

Junmyeon smiled, placing a small peck on Sehun’s collarbone. The two began to make their way out of the cool water, the feeling of the slight breeze against their wet skin making it even colder. Sehun quickly grabbed his sweatshirt, wrapping it around Junmyeon’s shoulders.    

As the two walked down the quiet streets of the neighborhood, Sehun made sure to continuously stroke the back of Junmyeon’s hand as he held it. Reminding himself that he _had_ Junmyeon only made him feel more relieved. Thoughts and nightmares of his broken past would often recur, leaving him a worried mess. He’d wake up in the middle of a peaceful slumber, only to see himself back in those cold, terrible foster homes. Or he’d find himself beneath Jongin’s body again. And other times, he’d feel the breeze that brushed through his hair the night Yixing told him to turn his life around. But every time, Junmyeon would be laying there next to him, peacefully in the middle of his sleep. And he remembered that things were okay again.    

They reached their house at last. Sehun didn’t realize how tightly he had been holding Junmyeon’s hand until the older had to let go to open the door. The aroma of fresh paint filled the area, for they had just completed remodeling their new home. They were able to settle though, which lifted more stress off the both of them.

“Let’s wash off now,” Sehun told as he grabbed towels from the cabinet next to the bathroom. The uncomfortable feeling of the lake water all over him and his shorts had become unbearable. Junmyeon walked into the bathroom after Sehun, who had already began running the warm water.  

“Is this warm enough, hyung?” the younger asked as Junmyeon started to strip himself of his clothes. He ignored answering Sehun’s question.    

“I’m sure it’s okay, Hun.”   

Sehun smiled to himself as he looked at Junmyeon’s figure before him. The man was not as skinny as he had been years back, which gave Sehun a feeling of relief, knowing he was now healthy. His arms were now stronger, rather than brittle and weak.   

Sehun stood again, to where Junmyeon quickly brushed through his hair. Sehun ran his hands through the older’s hair, feeling the soft, brown locks between his fingers. “I’m glad you dyed it back,” he commented. Sehun hated the blonde hair. It only reminded him of the endless sadness he had felt back then. But now, staring at the chocolate hair before him, Sehun felt happiness. Knowing they moved past the dark times and were strong enough to be standing there together. Even after all the tears and goodbyes and broken hearts.    

Sehun led Junmyeon into the shower. The discomfort of the cold lake water vanished once the warm water from the shower rained down on their skin. Junmyeon let his hair soak under the shower, Sehun helping him by gently brushing the strands back. Junmyeon’s lips curled into a smile as Sehun moved his hands from the boy’s head down to his waist.    

Junmyeon stepped out from under the shower head. He opened his eyes once again, only to see Sehun staring at him. The look in Sehun’s eyes was a sight Junmyeon had seen before.    

“You’re doing that thing again.” Junmyeon wrapped his arms around Sehun’s neck, moving closer to the taller. Sehun furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, beginning to lather shampoo in his hands.    

“What am I doing?” Sehun asked with a laugh as he ran his hands through Junmyeon’s tufts of hair. The smaller giggled as he tilted his head back under the water.    

“You’re looking at me. Like you want to kiss me, and you want to kiss me a lot,” Junmyeon explained. Sehun rolled his eyes dramatically, placing a hand on Junmyeon’s cheek. The older met his eyes with Sehun’s again, the sight of the boy’s bright eyes forcing a smile upon his lips.   

Sehun moved his hand from Junmyeon’s cheek down to his waist. “Maybe I do.”    

Junmyeon smiled as he looked at the younger. His eyes sparkled with admiration as they moved their focus from Junmyeon’s eyes down to his lips. Sehun grinned as he inched closer to Junmyeon’s face. The older placed a hand on his cheek, softly caressing the cheekbone that rested beneath his thumb. Sehun opened his mouth, and he kissed Junmyeon. As their lips moved in synch, the warmth of their breaths combining together, Sehun laced his fingers with Junmyeon’s hand that covered his face.   

Junmyeon pulled away, gazing into Sehun’s eyes again. The younger’s lips curled into a smile, a warm, genuine, perfect smile. One Junmyeon would be okay with looking at forever.    

Sehun placed another kiss on Junmyeon’s cheek before grabbing the body wash. He handed it to Junmyeon, the older lathering some up in his hands. Sehun rested his forehead on Junmyeon’s shoulder as he covered the younger’s body with the soap.    

“I’ve always been envious of your body, hyung.” Junmyeon stared at every inch of Sehun’s skin with envy, admiring the crevices in his collarbone areas, feeling the broadness of his shoulders, staring at the clean jawline. “You’re perfect. I’ve always thought that.”    

Sehun shook his head, now beginning to wash Junmyeon’s body. Junmyeon watched as his lover’s cheeks turned a light pink, and the lips he dearly loved kissing formed a small smile.    

“I love you, Hun.”    

Sehun smiled again, except his teeth showed this time. “I love you a lot more.”    

Sehun gave Junmyeon more cheek kisses, and the same feeling of butterflies invaded Junmyeon’s stomach.  

“Stop,” Junmyeon giggled. “Let’s get out now.”    

As Sehun turned off the water, Junmyeon began drying himself off. Sehun joined, eventually helping by wiping down Junmyeon’s body.    

Once the two were dried off and in their comfortable clothes, Sehun made the room more cozy by turning the lights off, leaving only a candle on at the bedside. They both crawled beneath the covers of the queen-sized bed.    

They lay in silence for a while, Junmyeon staring right up at the ceiling, while Sehun curled up next to the smaller’s body. His arms wrapped around the small torso and his head rested on Junmyeon’s shoulder.   

“Thank you for staying, Jun,” Sehun whispered as he searched for the older’s hand. Once he found the small fingers, he gripped onto them as if it were the last time.    

“What do you mean?”    

Sehun propped himself up, leaning his head on his hand. “Thank you for not leaving me again.”    

A feeling of worry rushed over Junmyeon as he noticed the hidden sadness behind Sehun’s expression. There were tears filling the boy’s eyes, and Junmyeon couldn’t tell why. He rested a hand on Sehun’s shoulder in attempt to make the tears in his eyes dry away.    

“What’s the matter?” Junmyeon asked as he sat up. Sehun let out a deep sigh, letting go of Junmyeon’s hand, running his fingers through his own hair.  

“Knowing that I wanted to die, and that I could have died…it scares me.”    

Junmyeon nodded as he stroked Sehun’s arm. The younger stared at his lap as he spoke, not wanting Junmyeon to see the tears in his eyes. Recalling the dark memories as he explained his feelings to Junmyeon gave him no choice but to feel sullen.

“I get how that’s scary,” Junmyeon replied in the midst of a silent moment. “But you’re still alive.”

Sehun immediately wiped a tear once it fell from his eye. However, he wasn’t quick enough for Junmyeon to miss it.

“I just need you to promise me you’ll really stay with me, because you’re the only reason I’m still alive.” Sehun looked at Junmyeon in his round, hypnotizingly-beautiful eyes, the view he gave into turning into an endless universe of affection and desire.

Suddenly, Sehun’s breaths shortened as he lost himself in the universe of Junmyeon’s being. As he stared at the stars, which represented their kisses, and the comets that acted as the tears, he could feel himself _living._ He felt the blood flow from his heart and throughout his veins. He felt the air in his lungs as he inhaled deeply. He felt the strong beating of his heart, which happened to speed up even more as he looked at the entirety of Junmyeon’s being.

Most of all, he felt the love inside of him grow even stronger and the brokenness diminish. Sehun could no longer feel the piercing cries of Yeseul as she was dragged out of the house. He couldn't recall the words Yixing had barely spoke before he died. He had no memory of what Junmyeon said to him before Junmyeon got on that train. And he could no longer remember the feeling of Jongin's fingers around his wrists.

“I promise,” Junmyeon breathed. “Only death could take me away from you. I’m not leaving you. I’ve already made that mistake before, I’m never doing that again. I promise. I promise with all that I am.”

Junmyeon wrapped his arm around Sehun, his hand brushing the small of Sehun’s back. The gesture caused Sehun to lean into Junmyeon, the older laying down once again. Junmyeon felt his breaths shorten once Sehun’s face was just millimeters from his own. Their lips touched just enough to send shivers down both their bodies. Several moments passed of short breaths combining together, neither saying a word or making a move.

Junmyeon circled his fingers on the skin of Sehun’s back, savoring this moment, taking in his fresh scent of fruity body wash along with his sweet aroma that followed wherever he went. As Sehun cupped the older’s face in his hands, the butterflies invaded once again. And then, he couldn’t resist.

Their lips pressed against one another’s rather harshly. Sehun’s fingers made their way through Junmyeon’s light-brown locks, while the older secured his embrace on Sehun’s torso. Their bodies were as close as they could have gotten at that point. Space was no longer a word in either of their vocabularies—only passion and love. Because that’s all they could feel—being there together, Sehun laying on top of Junmyeon, _his_ Junmyeon, their lips moving in a smooth and slow dance that couldn’t be interrupted, their bodies sipped up in the same skin—passion and love.

“I love you, my Myeonnie. Never leave me. Okay?” Sehun spoke under heavy breaths. He grabbed Junmyeon’s hands, holding both tighter than ever. He glared into Junmyeon’s eyes again, awaiting an answer. Instead, the smaller just kissed Sehun again, slightly biting the younger’s lip.

“I’m not leaving you. Not in my lifetime,” Junmyeon replied. Sehun didn’t respond to his words, only staring the older down like a hawk. His eyes, which were full of lust, slowly formed into tiny crescents as his lips formed a grin. “ _I love you.”_

As Junmyeon gazed at Sehun’s perfection, he felt the deja vu overcome him. Seeing the smile that gave him strength in his younger days reminded him of the times they would meet up at the roof, barely knowing anything about each other, but still being there for each other. He remembered when he first touched Sehun, the electric feeling of his fingers on Sehun’s denim jeans. Then the tingly feeling his whole body had endured the second Sehun touched him back. He felt the first kiss Sehun planted upon his lips, reliving the shock and confusion that had invaded his mind in that very moment. He recalled all the times when his father would have a bad night, but only Sehun could turn that into a good night.

Sehun gave another smile. A smile in which Junmyeon was the reason behind. _His_ Junmyeon, who lay right beneath him, smiling back at him. The Junmyeon who kept him alive. The Junmyeon who kept the blood running through his veins and arteries, the Junmyeon who kept his heart beating, the Junmyeon who kept the air flowing about his lungs. The Junmyeon who he didn’t expect to fall in love with.

The two fall deeper in that pit of passion and love they had dug together through the past years.

Junmyeon no longer feels afraid.

Sehun no longer feels broken.

 

 **_the end_ **  



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